Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'm sure most ladies are aware that when we reach a certain age we get the Mammogram appointment in the post. Although there is nothing to fear from a Mammogram, I can't resist posting this little poem... Enjoy!!! :flasher8: :flasher8: :flasher8:



For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."



"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line,) "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."



She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out. :flasher8:

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Listen here chaps... take heed, pay attention and the moral to this little tale will enrich your lives..


A fish is swimming about in a lake when it spots a fly flying around about 12 inches above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop about 6 inches, I would be able to leap out of the water and have myself a nice lunch."

At the side of the lake is a bear. The bear sees the fly and sees the fish and it thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop about 6 inches, the fish would be able to leap out of the water, I could then reach the fish and have myself a nice lunch."

Across the lake is a hunter. The hunter sees the fly, sees the fish and sees the bear and he thinks to himself, "If only that fly would drop about 6 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, come into range and I could have myself a good kill."

Behind the hunter is a mouse. The mouse sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear and sees the hunter and it thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would kill the bear and the sandwich in his back pocket will fall out and I could have myself a nice lunch."

Behind the mouse is a cat. The cat sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear, sees the hunter and sees the mouse and it thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would kill the bear and the mouse will get his sandwich, come into range and I could have myself a nice lunch."

Just with that the fly drops six inches, the fish gracefully leaps out of the water and gets the fly, the bear leaps forward and grabs the fish, bang...the hunter moves forward and shoots the bear, the mouse jumps forward and gets the sandwich, the cat pounces forward, misses the cat and ends up in the lake.

What's the moral to that story..........?









It takes a helluva lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet! :D

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Where did the second cat come from?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

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:ohmy8: Oooh Janet!!!! I'm shocked...... That's almost as bad as one of mine... :rofl38:

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Oh Janet, you are awful, but I like you!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Wash your mouth out with soap and water, and stop telling lies! :D

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Ok then, I'll be honest.... It's far worse than one of mine :p

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Have you ever wondered -


what would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an aeroplane?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If there was a mispelling in the dictionary, how would we know?

If something horrifying is horrific, is something terrifying terrific?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why does Wil E. Coyote keep using Acme products if they never work?

what do you call a male ladybird?

what colour is an air guitar?

why does toast land jam (butter) side down?

if you strangled a Smurf, what colour would it turn?

corn oil is made of corn, olive oil is made out of olives, so whats baby oil made out of?

is it ok to use AM radio in the afternoon?

what do chickens think we taste of?

what do people in China call their best plates?

why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

why is dyslexia so long and hard to spell?

have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

why is bra singular and pants plural?

if a fire-fighter fights fires and a crime-fighter fights crime, what does a freedom-fighter fight?

why are apartments called apartments when they're all stuck together?

if con is the opposite to pro, is American Congress the opposite of progress?

when dog food has a new and improved taste, who tastes it?

if nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

why do you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery's dead?

why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

how come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

if it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

how do 'keep of the grass' signs get where they are?

why has lisp got an 's' in it?

where do ice cream vans go in winter?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just tripped over this collection of musings on t'internet. I'd like to share them with y'all. :)

I don't know what radical teaching methods are used in todays schools, but naivety is left behind in the first grade by todays kids. :confused:

KIDS ON LOVE


Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)


THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)


CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)


ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)


CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)


CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)


PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)


SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)


HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)


WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)


HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)


HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)


Tell you what, these kids... they're not wrong, are they?! :)

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There are certain situations in life which require some etiquette. Dining at a posh restaurant, meeting the Queen, weddings etc. I'm a big believer that a level of decorum should be applied in all manner of situations. So gentlemen here is the B.J. Etiquette... ;)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the blue video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your d**k?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to bl*w you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go j**k off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove organic dental floss from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content, or its calorific value as part of a calorie controlled diet.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get b.j.'s often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

;)

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While you're down there... I dont s'pose...?

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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his
axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into
water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this
your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?"
the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared
and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this
your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up
with
Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have
come
up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to
me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.



Hehehehe, and if you believe that!!!!!!! :D

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Reasons why it's good to be a lass.... :)

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder
excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look
like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

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Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

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Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the Letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A** Almost Boobs...
{B** Barely there
(C** Can't Complain!
{D** Dang!
{DD** Double dang!
{E** Enormous!
{F** Fake.
{G** Get a Reduction.
{H** Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ;)

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...and I thought FF stood for ...'Kin Fantastic :D

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Are you sitting down? Has your tea fully digested? Then I'll commence...


Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!" :eek: :D

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:rofl38: :rofl38: I'd have wet keks if I were wearing any....... ;)

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?

One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.

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Just a quickie, before a major tome.


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income, No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc." :D

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Women are from Venus, men are from Mars????? Ignore all that rubbish, this is what you need to know about men and women.... Read on. ;)

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts' car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

Eating Out:
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend's/father's heads.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their ****, because ar$e size doesn't really matter.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Friends:
Women on a 'girls' night out' talk the whole time. Men on a 'boys' night out' say about 20 words all night, most of which are 'Pass the chips' or 'Got any more beer?'

Toilets:
Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This joke swapping service is all well and good, I give the good ones away and only get cr@p to post in return ;)


Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Bob Marley, (BMW - Bob Marley and the Wailers... geddit?), doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me, (and this coming from a bloke...) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs,causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLUDDY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!! :mad: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This might be the last joke i post for some time... :)


6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said "I think it's about time we start swearing. Don't you?"

Little Johnny nodded in agreement.

Marilyn said "Ok, I say 'ass' and you say 'hell.'"

Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.

Marilyn replied "Well hell mom, I'll have some Cheerios."

Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.

Little Johnny said "I don't know, but you bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This may be my last joke for a while too. ;)

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus
said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it
ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No,
it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a*seholes."

"What, he had two a*seholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two ****holes. Every time we went into
town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two
a*seholes...."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Awww... go on then, here's another. It's an old one, but what the hell... :)


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"


The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just one more then. I have a weeks worth of jokes to get rid of...


Kicking the Animals.


A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pee'd off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

HORSE AND THE CHICKEN

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Off topic i know but i must say its a bit quiet in here without sparky and lettie where are they?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Feel free to join in wingy, or there will only be me posting in this thread. lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

one day a man was with his son walking along the beach, and the man praised god for such a wonderfull world and for this wonderful place he was waliking in, god heard this and said to the man,

God: I heard you praising me, what would you really want and it shall be yours.

He thought about and said,

Man: what i really what is a bridge to hawiwi

God: What about all the pollution, this might cause and the harm to the envireoment, and its also a bit selfish dont you think?

Man: Ok i suppose so, what i really want then is to know how my wife feels, how to help her when she is down. how to be a better husband towards her, to understand why she feels this way......

God: err.. ... about this bridge

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
__________________

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No,

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Don and Jo were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Don realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."
The next morning, Don woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Women will ALWAYS win.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

If It Was Painless ........ So What////

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

JANET DO YOU REALLY SPEND ALL DAY THINKING THESE UP



H.........

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Why do English men make the best lovers?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

They can stay on top for 90minutes but still come second.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Sara Anyone Who Can Stay On Top For 90 Mins Unless Motionless Probably Would Be Too Knacked For A 2nd

Timer [i Think?]

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

hehehehehe.....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's a gross-out little number. I hope you haven't just eaten...

What's the worst thing about receiving a lung transplant?



The first few times you cough, it's someone else's phlegm you bring up! :eek: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Right, enough's enough. Let's get this thread moving again :D

There were two 'ladies of the night', stood on a street corner talking about business. The first one said, "I think we will be busy tonight. I can smell d*ck in the air!"
The second one said, "Don't get excited, I've just burped!" :rolleyes: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'm sure that some of our members are somewhat befuddled by modern-day terminology. So without further ado, here are some extract from my favourite dictionary..... Roger's Profanisaurus... :D

ARMY AND NAVY - Descriptive of one who likes his bread buttered both sides, swings both ways, half rice half chips.

BACKDOORAL - A kind of unsavoury behaviour, involving bottoms and mouths.

BACKSTABBER - A woman who practices cruel deception on men by appearing attractive when viewed from behind.

BELL CLAPPER - A humungous dangling poo that tolls the buttocks as one tries to swing it loose.

CARBON DIBAXIDE - A noxious gas emitted from ones Nipsy..

FANNY MECHANIC - A Gynaecologist..

FLESH LETTUCE - Ladies bits.

JUGLY - Ugly but with big boobs, Erica Rowe, Anna Ryder Richardson, Lord Owen.

JULLET - The phenomenon of the breasts, upper chest and chins of a salad dodging lady merging into the same wobbling mass of flesh.

MECHANICS NAILS - A finger - end condition caused by toilet paper pushthrough, a taxi driver's tan.

NIPSY - Anal sphincter.

SLAGGLE - A group of young ladies who are generous with their affections.

SPLASH DIET - A weight loss programme which involves shedding pounds of unsightly excrement. Takes about 5 minutes. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A mans walking along the beach and he sees a woman with no arms and legs lying in the sand crying.He asks her whats wrong and she says shes upset because shes never been kissed before.so he kisses her and carries on walking.About an hour later he walks past her again and shes crying,he says whats wrong this time and she replies that she's upset because no ones ever given her oral sex before.Feeling sorry for her he gives her oral sex and goes on his way.He walks past her an hour later and she's crying again so he turns to her and asks her whats wrong, and she says that she upset because shes never been f***ed before to which the man replies "Well you are now because the tides coming in".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :lol: ...and the unpostable Rodger's are even better!

Dead and Buried

An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...

u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband."

wife.. "What's wrong?"

u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."

wife.. "Well, what can you do?"

u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500."

wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?"

The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.

u/t.. "We could remove his penis."

wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."

u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."

wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral."

u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."

Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.

She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?" :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A sick (ish) one..... :D

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :alright: Good one Lettie.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

While we are on the subject of; err, um, noshes... :D


This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!" she cried

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; one of my family, or a neighbour..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up," the boyfriend pleaded.

But she was insistant. "I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first
:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Same senario, 2000 miles further south. Don't read this on a full stomach...


After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.

He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.

He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.

Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!" :eek:


Has it put you off your tea? :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: Nothing puts me off my tea... :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I went to the dentists the other day, and I can assure you it was nothing like this... :)


A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.

"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is on the next floor up."

To that the lady replies, "No mistake. You installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out." :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Why Cucumbers are better than men :D


the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
cucumbers stay hard for a week
a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
cucumbers don't get too excited
a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
cucumbers are easy to pick up
you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
cucumbers can get away any weekend
with a cucumber you can get a single room
... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
a cucumber can always wait until you get home
a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups
cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on
cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
cucumbers never need a round of applause
cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
a cucumber won't want to join your support group
a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
cucumbers can handle rejection
a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
cucumbers won't give you a hickey
cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confession
cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray
cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
Cucumbers don't fart and then fluff the covers, or stick your head under
cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
cucumbers can't count to "10"
cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
a cucumber will never leave you
for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him
a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
you won't find out later that your cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin or has AIDS
likes you, but loves your brother
a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
a cucumber won't insist the little tykes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
it's easy to drop a cucumber
a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How do you know lettie ? ;) :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Good one, lettie!

And they don't cost a lot.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.

"What's this?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not paying for it!" and he storms out...

The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.

The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!" the waitress yells.

He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for this EITHER!!!!!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Karma points could well be at stake here, because the 'dares' are back in operation, hehehe.


A guy came home from work on the nightshift, horney as hell. Sex was all he had thought about on the journey home, but he knew that he was grounded because of rag-week.
However hard he pleaded with his missus, he was kicked into touch. As a last resort, he begged for some 69.
His wife replied, "You know it's that time of month, but if you don't care, then neither do I."
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, the bloke dragged his wife off to the bedroom, before she had chance to change her mind.

They were going at it like a pair of circus acrobats; when, the doorbell rang. The wife climbed off the bed and cautiously peeked round the curtains, to see who was at the door.
Realising it was the postman, she said to her husband, "I can't go to the door in this state. You'll have to see to the postie."
"I can't go down looking like this," he said. "My face is a right mess."
His wife replied, "Don't fuss. It's only the postman. Just answer the door, and if he says anything, Tell him you were having a jam sandwich."
The bloke pulls on his dressing gown, goes downstairs and opens the front door and greets the postie. "I'm sorry about the state of my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
"Could you please sign for this parcel, sir," said the postman. "And you do realise, sir, that as well as jam round your mouth, you also have peanut butter on your forehead!" :rolleyes: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This wasn't a dare.... :)

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just a quickie...


Pfizer, the drugs company who produce the remedial drug for male impotence, Viagra, have announced clinical trials of a new wonder drug to enhance the sexual experience of women who suffer from 'lubrication' problems.


It will be called Niagra :rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One could never accuse Little Johnny of being politically correct...


Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F**K OFF!", the dog ate him!" :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A quick, sick one.... :)


A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Yep...very sick

but bloody good...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Keep them coming. lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I received this via text message earlier today. I've been told it's not a dare, but it too good to waste away in the dark recesses of my moby.


Little Mary came home from school, and said to her mother, "Jimmy showed his willy today. It was like a peanut."
"What? You mean small? said her mother.
"No," said Mary, "it was salty." :tongue8:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh dear. :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This joke may be better in the swinging thread...... ;)

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Go girl...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Murphy's Law On Sex.


The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."


This Murphy chap is a very astute anthropologist :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A short one....


A prostitute is run over by a car and loses her eyesight.

The doctor asks "how many fingers do I have up?"

The prostitute replies "bloody hell! am I paralysed as well?"

;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:lol: Keep 'em coming Lettie.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Make I laff.....Keep 'em coming Lettie

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[QUOTE=lettie]Why Cucumbers are better than men :D

Lettie, do you like Marrows by any chance?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just a couple of loosener ups:

Q. What's the difference between the German football fans and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and John Prescot.You
have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot John Prescot - twice.

Q. What do Man United football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never
swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Keep then coming Darby....I need a Laugh

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

OK just a couple more then....You'll have to wait for the rest

Q: Why aren't the German football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the German team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red,
yellow and black in honour of the German squad. But it was a laughing stock
and crumbled in the box.

Q: Why do Germans make better lovers than Portuguese/English?
A: Because Germans are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes
and
still come second!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Cheers Mate....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[QUOTE=Tealeaf]
No, I hate marrow and besides, I get all the satisfaction I need from a gherkin...... ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

... :blush8: ...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

some poor bloke must be devastated.

Talk about under the thumb....I wouldn’t stand for that.....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Watching footy with my laptop on my knee, and couldn't resist posting this... ;)


DVLA Newsflash: In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required.
:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Drivers of zero ability are recommended to announce their prescence by hoisting their flags even higher... on CB arials for example :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It looks like Little Johnny has been up to his tricks again... :rolleyes:


In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.

"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs," says his mother.

"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag." :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :rofl38: Sparky, you are sooooo tight. lol....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Seeing that Little Johnny is sooooo popular... ;)


Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrell!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans overe to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Peirre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"

;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two for the price of one...


Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water.

The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?"

The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!" :eek:



Part II


The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky." :rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A lonely divorced woman is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.

It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX

After 6 months of letters and calls which are useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.

"What do you want?" she asks.

"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."

"What about the sex?" she says.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell!" ;)


Hmmmm. Wonder if he has a brother.. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands (and cheeks) together for ----

THE FART CHART

What type of farter are you??

VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his a*se hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but sh*ts himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an a*se, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who sh*t
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like sh*t and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles



A Guide to the Identification and Classification of British Farts

Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers..


Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.


Carpet Creepers: Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having already left the room.


Fizzlers: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often surprisingly effective on bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.


One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified by the artist's telltale "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they possess satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.


Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.


SBDs (Silent But Deadly): Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of Energy, what a SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about susupiciously.


Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureacrat.


Squeegies: Small, immature and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.


Wet Ones (aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty): Samples are accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually departs, walking funny. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: Some of those are a little close to home :lol:

We are not amused... Orf with his head :(


The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway man.

"Hand over all your cash," he demanded of the Queen.

"My dear man," replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and therefore do not need to carry any money."

"OK, OK," he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand over all of your jewels."

"I have no need for Jewels," she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful woman in England."

By this time the highway man was getting a bit p*ssed off. "Right then," he said, "get out of the car and I'll take that instead".

And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did you hide all that money you were carrying?"

"I stuffed it up my snatch," laughed the Queen. "But what about you. Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."

"I stuffed them up my snatch as well," tittered Di.

"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us," mused the Queen. "We might have been able to save the Range Rover." :D