Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

"p..e..n..i..s"

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

We've all been in a situation where we have to rely on a quick 'put-down' haven't we girls??

Read on.....:D

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date. ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want
you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the
hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was
enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now
I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make
love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve
behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.'Who's he?' said the scouser. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Not quite there yet, but from here I can see the bottom of the barrel... :o

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love," the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But if you are, just get me something really expensive that I don't need."

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy. :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Remember Girls, all that glistens ain't necessarily gold. :rolleyes:


The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff. You should see all the sports cars outside our house!" ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

The blind man screamed, "Because the sh*t is running down my back!" ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

No Milk Today

Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

chris that made me laugh alot nice1

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I've just scraped this from the off the bottom of the barrel. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/redface.gif


I 've just got a wicked deal on e-bay... a wheelchair and a red cape for a tenner! http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...milies/eek.gif


Don't blame me, point the finger at my usual source. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...s/rolleyes.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/wink.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Don't try to blame me for your sicko sense of humour Sparky..;)

I had absolutely nothing to do with that one folks....:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You lying waz', Lettie. :rolleyes: I might have to strip you... of some karma, for gross and exaggerated perjury. :whip:

It's panto time folks... Oh Yes You Did!
I'm not denying that I have a terminally ill sense of humour, unlike some. Neither am I in denial regarding the source of this little gem. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's another one; only this time it's not sick... aww go on then, I admit it, just a little bit. :o

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?" ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You Know how it is chaps. You come home after an extended session in the lusher, only to find the Light of your Life lying in wait behind the front door, brandishing a rolling pin. Read on and learn a lesson from the bitter experience of some poor, unfortunate soul... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...s/rolleyes.gif


"Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"Yeah. A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk." http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif



http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo.../sign_beer.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...lies/drink.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ies/cheers.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...milies/alc.gif ...... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/nono.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...lies/rofl3.gif ...http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...icon_argue.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...lies/whack.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/hitting.gif ... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ile/hesoff.gif ...... I promise not to do it again, Lettie. Please don't hit me anymore! http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:cheers:ITS HALLOWEEN AGAIN!
why do witches not wear knickers?
so they get a better grip on thier broom sticks.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:cheers: a man comes back from hunting with a deer over his shoulder!
he cooks it for their tea,
im not going to tell you what it is? but i will give you a clue?
its what mummy calls daddy sometimes.
little girl starts to scream and cry her eyes out,
dont eat it ...dont eat it she screams,
its an arsehole!....

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

"Oh, that's easy," he replied. "The dog's leash goes slack". ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A new day, a new joke. Just enough time to pot a quickie...


Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't sh*t on the floor. :p :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a
mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the
second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that
my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer & that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning...and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure There's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I know I shouldn't do this but what the hey?



http://www.hyndburnlife.co.uk/roundabout/opencms/

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor. "I'm constipated, Doc, he complains."

The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table." After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his ass, with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy off down the corridor to the toilet.

After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags!" :confused: ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I've just happened on a few Oirish jokes. It would be selfish of me not to share them with you... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/wink.gif


Paddy and Eileen are sixty-nining when Paddy says,
"Eileen, did you know that the Government spent 2 million on repairs to the President’s house last year?"
"Hell!" exclaims Eileen. "That's too much money."
"And," says Paddy, "did you know that one rape occurs every ten minutes in Dublin?"
"Hell!" replies Eileen. "Paddy, you know everything."
"Eileen," says Paddy, "Did you know that Enya had an operation to make her t*ts bigger?"
"Really!" says Eileen. "But Paddy?" She asks, "Even though you know everything, why are you telling me all this while we are having sex?
To which Paddy replies, " Remember last year, when you forgot to buy the toilet paper over the Christmas weekend, and we had to use newspaper?"
"Yes, I remember," says Eileen.
"Well," says Paddy, "you still have page 16 of The Irish Times stuck to your ar$e." http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Welsh Joke

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Try this 1

There was a lady from clayton who was a bit lonley through the day and needed a bit of company while her family was at work. She went to the local petshop and asked the shopkeeper about which pet would be the best for a tenner, the keeper showed her lots of animals but none of them suited her. As she was leaving the shop dissapointed ther was a squawk from a cage in the corner, "whats that she shouted"?
the shopkeeper said " it's a parrot i hav'ent been able to sell ", she smiled with joy " how much is it? "tenner" he said, she yelled "i'll have it". The shopkeeper told her that it got a bit cheeky now and then because it had come from a closed down brothel round the corner, but she made her mind up she was having it, she rushed home happily with her purchase. When she got home she put the cage on the table and took the cover off. the parrot flapped it's wings and squawked "new brothel new brothel" the lady yelled " this is a gods house i won't have such words like that spoken in this house". Two hours later, the ladies daughter arrived home from work, the parrot flapped it's wings and squawked " new brothel new prostitute " the lady went mad and give the parrot a good old earbashing. A hour later the womans husband comes home from work, the parrot looks up plapped it's wings and squawked " new brothel new prostitute same old customers".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

That afternoon they were sitting round the table having a feed and their father asked who the bright spark was that tipped the dunny over the cliff. There was no answer forthcoming. "Let me tell you a story," he said to the boys:


"You have all heard of George Washington, the first President of America. Well once, when he was a boy, his father got all his children together and asked them who had cut down his favourite cherry tree. George stood up and said, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.' His father was so pleased with his honesty that he forgave him," recounted the father.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Morning After


Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks,"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - £100.00

Broken furniture - £200.00

Breakfast - £10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean," his new wife replies.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook," his wife sobs.

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/wink.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Never ever, not never, try to deceive Lettie. I did, and almost got away with it... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ies/tongue.gif


Shortly after I met Lettie, I was invited out for a "night out with the lads".
I told the Light of my Life that I would be home by midnight... I Promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the ale was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning, Lettie asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling." http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/redface.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruit.

The first came back and said to the king "i brought ten apples". The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruit up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten".

The first apple went in... but on the second he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second guy arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought this would be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 and on the ninthberry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The 1st guy and the 2nd guy met up in heaven. The 1st one asked "why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The 2nd replied "I could'nt help it i saw the 3rd guy comming with pineapples".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Letter from a daughter

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

"It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with
my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his
piercings & tattoos & his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that Mum, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be
very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more
children with me & that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it
for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine &
ecstasies we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for
Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old
now & I know how to take care of myself.

Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith X

PS: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my latest school report
that's in my desk drawer... I love you."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Reliant Robin

A guy driving a Reliant Robin pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Reliant Robin rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Robin!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Reliant Robin says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Robin!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Reliant Robin says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Robin!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Reliant Robin says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Robin! Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Robin, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Robin parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Robin. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly! The driver of the Robin looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come
out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was
eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but
they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?'
asks Matthew.
'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The
operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six
months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
'That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?'



'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'


--

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dear me Sara, that was terrible, just terrible…………..

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This is even worst Doug.



One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name, so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and
get her.

My husband, (The complainer) said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my
husband "El-Cheap-O". My husband calls him "El-Take-O". They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had
obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God
knows who the father is"!

And he closed the door.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Yeah, you're not kidding.......lol.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Don't know if this one has been posted earlier on, but have posted it anyway just in case.


The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry,
I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

yes it has Sara

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[QUOTE=mick]yes it has Sara[/QUOTE

Oops.........

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Subject: Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane.
In a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he
could barely contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother. "Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight."
At dinner mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story. Mommy
listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about how
"...he saw the car go into the woods, then watched. Aunt Jane get
undressed, and then Aunt Jane laid down on the back seat ... and then
Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill use to do while daddy was in the army.
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt someone!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This little tale just goes to show, it's not usually profitable to tell lies... ;)

Ed decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. They loaded up Ed's Ford pickup and headed to northern Colorado. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explaine, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Ed said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Ed got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked, "Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado?"
"Yes, I do." said Leon.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Ed.
"Well, uh, yeah," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name, instead of telling her your name?" asked Ed.
Leon's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

Ed replied, "No need to apologise, Leon. She died last month, and left me everything!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Kids are smart, but not necessarily wise. Read on, and find out why... :p


Children's answers to exam questions:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Geography of a Woman:

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but
unfortunately only four parachutes.
The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA
basketball
player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So
he
takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the
former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in
the
world, a Senator in New York and one of America's potential future
Presidents." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W Bush, says, "I am the President of the
United
States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And
apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the
country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes
a
parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute."
The boy replies, "No problem your holiness, there is also a parachute
for you.
America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A scouser says to the prostitute, "How much is it love?"
She replies, "25 quid."
So the scouser says, "Do it my way and I'll give ya 35 quid."
The tart replies. "What way's that then scouse?"
He replies, "Errrrr... 50p a week?" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Another one that's short and sweet...:p

'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.'
'Ay, and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.'
'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did exactly the same with my son, Pancake!' :confused: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

One of the bank's employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself.

"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It's been a while since we've had a sick joke or two on Accyweb, so I'll start things off... :p


A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking out etc.

A couple more weeks passed by before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Scottish."
The other patient signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Irish."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the Scotsman summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."
Again the Irishman replied, in a weedy frail voice, "Dublin."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.

Days passed before the Scotsman managed to again point to himself and say, "Jimmy."
The Irishman motioned to himself, and said, "Paddy."

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer".
Paddy responded, "Sagittarius." :confused: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's one for you footie fans out there......:D

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for
lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium." Ronaldo opened his
lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too." Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham &
Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham
opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny ar$eless bint wearing oversized
sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at
me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The dangers of drugs eh!!! :)


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks
up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did
you drink?!!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

janet do you want a battle

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.



the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.



Not wanting to disappoint any children on this eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon, they were driving along delivering the toys.



Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident……..



QUESTION: Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for answer)







































ANSWER: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man……



Women, stop reading here, that is the end of the joke, Men, keep scrolling….



















So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident…. (men keep scrolling)







































By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[/B]Christmas is here soon, be careful with the labels on your presents[B]


A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They
> hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard
> before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had
> complained her hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves
> might be appropriate, not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.
>
> Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods
> and he bought a stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves.
> At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both
> asked for their purchases to be gift-wrapped.
>
> Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left
> with the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister
> left with the gloves.
>
> The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his
> present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house
> she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door
> accompanied by the following note:
>
> Happy Birthday Darling,
> I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in
> the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it
> not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white
> buttons, but she wears short ones & they're easier to pull off
> I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant
> showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks & they're hardly
> soiled at all.
> I had her try on yours & 'though a little tight, they looked really
> smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in
> fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd
> been there so I could've put them on for you myself, as no doubt
> many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just
> think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year.
> When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will
> be a little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday
> night.
> All my love,
>
> Will
> XXX
>
> P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
> showing

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:drink: there is a little lad born with no eyelids.

The doctor says they can fix this by operation using old 4 skins.
his mother is worried sick it will make him cockeyed.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:lol: Jeez'us Stagger', even Basil Brush would have blushed if he told that one.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:cheers: a chicken and an egg were lying in bed.
the chicken was smoking with a smug grin,but
the egg was looking pi...d off.
the egg looks at the chicken and says
well i guess we finally answered that question!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

some quality jokes ppl keep em comin

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

i have just been arerested for being the ugliest person in britain.
can one of you come to the police station,
andshow them its a mistake!!!:rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Only if I can bring a mirror to comfort you in your hour of need, (fair cop govener it's me is what you should have said).
:silly:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

two irish couples decide to swap partners.
after making lo.e for 4 hrs,
paddy turns round to mick and says,
i wonder how the women are going on!!!
:rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man goes out hunting and kills a deer,
he takes it home and cooks it for dinner,
he does not tell the kids what it is.
he tells them its what mummy calls daddy sometimes,
the little girl starts to scream and shout,
crying her eyes out!
dont eat it ....dont eat it!!!!she screams
its a f......ng ar....hole !

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh Staggers that is brill...........cheers.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Nice one ace-hole
:da:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Hear about the 2 Irish Homosexuals?

John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn.
___________________________________

dyslexic SAS guy broke in to the Zoo and freed the Ostriches.
__________________________________________

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Camilla Parker Bowles goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor every time I give Prince Charles a blow job I get this really bad heart burn."


The doctor looks at her and asks, "Have you tried Andrews?" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

cute little girl with all blonde curls and big blue eyes
goes into a pet shop,and in a sweet quiet voice lisps
have you a widdle wabbit?
the shopkeepers heart melts,
he points to a cage do you want a widdle white wabby
or a widdle bwack wabby,
little girl replies i dont fink my python weally gives a phuk!!!!!
:rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A story with a moral. So read on folks, and pay heed...:p


An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm, with a nice pond in the back 40 acres. It was fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
Upon nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made some noise so the women would be aware of his presence. When they heard the farmer, all the young ladies retreated to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator." :eek:

Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time! ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

whats got three balls and flys through space?????
an extra testicle!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's an ulltra quickie...:p


How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her. :confused: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You daft bu***r. I've got chip gravey all over the desk now..........:)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?" she asked, sarcastically.
Smugly he replied, "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast!" :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

what do women and floor tiles have in common???
lay them good and you can walk all over them for
years!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Englishman,Irishman,Scotsman

granted a last wish before they are
being executed, irishman says.
aah to be sure,to here danny boy
played on the flute by james galway,
the scotsman said to hear scotland
the brave played on the bagpipes,
the englishman turns around and says
to be shot first!!:rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

And the moral of this story is... don't believe everything you read in the newspapers. ;)

After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.
She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and
everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?"
He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

pregnant dublin girl phones home,
ma ...oi tink me waters hav broke,
oh...me holy jaysus..she says...
where will ya be ringing from?
daughter replies from moy minge to me ankles!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Hey, Stagger' I'm glad i saw your joke before the mind police got their filthy fingers on it. It is now doing the rounds on my moby. :thumbsup:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

p.m me your mob no i get some real crackers.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This just goes to show, the answer you're expecting isn't always the one you'll get... :p


The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi, gorgeous. I'm a tonsil." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

taffy gets marooned on a island
with his faithful sheepdog and one sheep,
they all go down to the beach every night
and watch the sunset,
this particular night taffy feels horney,
and puts his arm around the sheep,
the dog growls at taf who quickly
removes his arm,so they retire to bed.
on the beach the next day they come across
a body! one of the most beautiful woman ever seen,
taffy leans down and she is still breathing so
they take her back to the hut and start to nurse
her back to health she starts to get better and
the beautiful woman asks what they do to stop
boredom? so taffy tells her they go down to the
beach every night to watch the sunset!
they all go down to the beach and watch the sunset
every night, one night the sunset is so beautiful
that both the woman and taffy are horney as hell.
she turns to him and says how can i repay you for
saving my life....taffy turns round and says take that
bleeding dog for a walk!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's a cautionary tale, if any of you folks venture out to Chester Zoo, don't mess with the inmates...:rolleyes:


Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch the damn thing"! :eek: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

http://joecartoon.atomfilms.shockwav...pages/joefish/

Enjoy!
:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There are some good cartoons on the Joe Cartoon website. I think they started off with the Frog in a Blender sketch.

Here is another funny one. Sid the Sexist would be proud of this: http://joecartoon.atomfilms.shockwav...s/nannahooter/

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

its took three weeks for the results of fred dibnah to come out and they are still argueing. 1.says it was cancer....cus he smoked like a chimney
2. says it was veneral disease...cus he messed about with flues ,and the third said it was his age he ran out of steam!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Pee'd me pants there, Stagger' :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Christmas time is upon us. This means one thing; party time!


A high-class dress party is in full flow when suddenly a gorgeous blonde woman walks in...completely nude. The alarmed host rushes to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hisses through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she explains. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host explodes. "You don't even have a c*ck!"
"Oh I don't know," she replies, "give me a few minutes..." ;) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Johnny has been in detention for a while... BUT NOW HE'S BACK! ;)


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You're thinking of a blowjob." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Baby making; it can be so much fun... ;)


A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation; a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus." :confused: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She

asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to
be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are
you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party..:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

what as peter andre and yasser arafat got in common?????????
they are both stiff in jordan!!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How Does A Blonde Turn The Light On??????
She Opens The Car Door!!!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

'Tis the season to be jolly, so without further ado... a jolly seasonal joke.:p


Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. :eek: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You know when you're waiting for a bus, then three turn up at once? Well it's just the same with Santa jokes... :p


A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the stock market collapse and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."
"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?" ;) :D