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-   -   Joke Of The Day (https://www.accringtonweb.com/forum/f71/joke-of-the-day-2647.html)

JohnW 26-07-2004 18:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This little guy steps into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy, seeing the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch pen*s, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints and keels over on to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him. Once he as brought him around he asks "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says "Excuse me but, what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude replies, "Well I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch pen*s, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says "Thank Christ for that! I thought you said "Turn around"

lettie 26-07-2004 19:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Some short ones...:p

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.



Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."


Q: What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?
A: The former is a hunt on the course..... :D

Sparkologist 26-07-2004 19:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Go on then, if we're doing quickies...:p

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?
A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.

Q: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because if they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud.

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches :D

Sparkologist 26-07-2004 20:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
...and here's some more of the same.....http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ies/tongue.gif


Q: What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
A: A seagull flits along the shore.


Q: What do you call a truck driver with a load of sheep headed for Yorkshire?
A: A pimp.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.


Q: What's the difference between a farmer and a Yorkshireman?
A: The farmer raises livestock. The Yorkshireman gets emotionally involved. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

lettie 26-07-2004 22:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Some more little uns...


Q: What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magician's wand?
A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

2 cannibals are at the feast, one says to the other "How are you doing?"
The other says "I'm having a ball!"

Sparkologist 27-07-2004 06:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quickies it is then...:p


Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


Q: What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A: A Gladiator.


Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died. :D

JohnW 27-07-2004 11:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The top 100 funny Bumper Stickers

4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!

A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?

A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.

Answer my prayer -- steal this car
.
As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

Back off! I'm not that kind of car.

Beat rush hour, leave work at noon

CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!

CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds

Clear the road I'm SIXTEEN

Come The Rapture Can I Have Your Car?

Cover me! I'm changing lanes.

Daddy Farted, and we Can't get out!!

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex

Don't follow me. I'm lost too.

Don't **** me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

Get off my ass before I start to like it!

God is Coming and is she ****ED

God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him

Heavily medicated for your safety.

Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.

Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!

Horn Broken Watch for Finger

I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.

I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.

I'm only driving this way to **** you off.

I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun

I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

I'm Not Losing Hair I'm Getting Head

I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewellery.

I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

I am not a bum. My wife works!

I brake suddenly for tailgaters

I don't care, I don't have to.

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.

I have a nice body. It's in my trunk
.
I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I is a college student.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.


I love cats they taste like chicken

I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch But I'm damn good at it

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!

I still have the body of an 18 year old but it's in my trunk and it's starting to smell

I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving

I suffer from c.r.s. (can't remember ****)

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I want to be just like Barbie That BITCH Has Everything!

I Wasn't Born A Bitch Men Like You Make Me That Way

If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!

If I would like to hear from an asshole, I’d fart!

If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.

If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them?

If You Are Born Again Do You Have Two Belly Buttons ?

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!

Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!

It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!

It only seems kinky the first time.

It sucks to be a man in a lesbians body.

Jesus is coming look busy.

Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!

Lord give me patience... But Hurry!

Make It Idiot Proof and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot

Men are Idiots and I married their King

My daughter turned down your honor student!

My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My other car is a broom

My other car is also a piece of junk

Of All The Things I've Lost I Miss My Mind The Most

Out of my mind (back in 5 minutes)

******* off the whole planet one person at a time

Politicians & Diapers need to be changed... often for the same reason

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself

Sex is my religion.. let us pray!

So Many Cats, So Few Recipes

So many pedestrians. So little time!

Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot

Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME

Think this looks bad? You should see the front.

This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle

Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!

Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!

Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.

Yes, This Is My Truck No, I Won't Help You Move

Your child may be an honors student, but You're still an idiot.

YOU SAY I'M A BITCH LIKE IT'S A BAD THING

JohnW 29-07-2004 12:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Rules for boys:-

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
2. Places where there is darkness.
3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.
6. Hockey games are okay.
7. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Sparkologist 29-07-2004 21:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Those honeymoon blues...http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/redface.gif


There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude.

As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts.

He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told.

Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either.

When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.

It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two.

"What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?" "No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..." http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/wink.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

lettie 30-07-2004 06:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A collection of footballers gaffs, who said footballers weren't thick eh!!! :)


1. 'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
David Beckham

2. 'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
Mark Viduka

3. 'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'
Ronnie Whelan

4. 'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,he's the only manager I've actually had at this
level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham

5. 'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall

6. We lost because we didn't win.'
Ronaldo

7. 'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne

8. 'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer

9. 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
Mark Draper

10. 'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows
and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton

11. 'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,but let me state that I don't want to leave
Leicester.'
Stan Collymore

12. 'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had
scored in the first minute at Birmingham.My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out
there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi

13. 'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright

14. 'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu

15. 'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.'
Ian Wright

16. 'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate

17. 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce

18. 'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'
Lee Hendrie

19. 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'-
Ian Rush

20. 'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.'
Steve Lomas

21. 'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'
Barry Venison

22. 'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.'
David Beckham

23. 'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.'
Phil Neville

24. 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas

25. 'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
Graeme Le Saux

26. 'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer

27. 'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles

28. 'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry.

29. 'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
Les Ferdinand

30. 'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'
Richard Rufus

31. 'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
Gary Lineker

32. 'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.'
Vinny Jones

33. 'If you don't concede any goals you'll win more games than you lose.'--
Wayne Bridge

34. 'Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian?'
Shaun Newton
:D

JohnW 30-07-2004 11:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JULY 30th.


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM
Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

:D

janet 30-07-2004 15:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This had to have been written by a woman, a man would'nt have had the brains.

Doug 30-07-2004 15:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Yep, a man wouldn't have had the Time......Hahaha

JohnW 02-08-2004 10:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Ah, sweet harmony.

JohnW 02-08-2004 12:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Letters to councils - you won't believe it
These are extracts from actual letter sent to various councils and housing associations thoughout the UK:


I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do i stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take anymore

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that i can't swallow.

lettie 02-08-2004 19:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Ever thought of having children? Here are some hints and tips in order to prepare you

THE STRING BAG AND OCTOPUS GUIDE TO PARENTHOOD.....:D


Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

Forget the hatchback and buy a big Volvo estate. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors

come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent. And remember: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children and be nice to your kids, they'll be the ones picking your retirement home !!

ellie 03-08-2004 11:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

ellie 03-08-2004 12:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

janet 03-08-2004 13:51

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Saddam Hussain goes to hell and...
Saddam Hussain goes to hell and the devil is waiting there and he isnt in the best of moods, he look to Mr. Hussian and says "well well well look at who we have here, i am over booked so you have the choice of 3 doors and you MUST choose one of the doors, the door you choose will be your fate for all eternity!"
Mr. Hussain nods and they procceed to the first door and open it and here is Aldof Hitler diving into a pool and resurfacing then diving back in again, Mr hussian looks and shakes his head " i cant swim" he says
The devil shrugs and they procceed to the next door and here is Yassa Arafat hitting a rock with a pick over and over, Mr Hussian looks and shakes his head again " i have this bad shoulder and cant do heavy work" he says
The Devil shrugs and they proceed to the final door the devil opens it and here is Bill Clinton laying spread eagled on a torture table with Monica Lewinsky ontop of him doing what she does best, Mr Hussian's eyes light up and go wide and he says " hell yes i can do that"
The devil smirks and says " Miss Lewinsky Your Are Free To Go!"

JohnW 03-08-2004 19:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Husbands For Sale

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go
to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, youcouldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A Couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love
kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up They went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I
Wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow,"
Said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up They went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs,
love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are ****ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left !!!



I don't mean in really girls, honest:p ;) :rolleyes: :D

ellie 04-08-2004 12:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

yerself 05-08-2004 20:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
{Presumably this was just a skin graft, but if you see someone walking down the street with his head literally up his buttocks... **
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing","But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS:"Morning, George."

Sparkologist 05-08-2004 20:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:lol: The phrase "...k a duck" will never be the same again. :rofl38:

Sparkologist 05-08-2004 21:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Well, I suppose nurses are just as prone to making mistakes as the rest of us... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ies/tongue.gif


A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"?
Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says, "There is
nothing wrong with them."
Finally, the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but I asked, 'ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK'?" http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/redface.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

JohnW 06-08-2004 11:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, then they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets...

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying
Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"








"Ees... a... Ham Bush"

ellie 08-08-2004 19:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the

bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.

Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

Doug 08-08-2004 19:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Oh thats good, Thanks ellie. Just what I needed.

Sparkologist 08-08-2004 21:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Ellie! Shock, horror! http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/redface.gif I don't know how you have the nerve to post anything like that. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...lies/rofl3.gif I would never dare to post owt so tawdry and innuendo laden. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...s/rolleyes.gif

ellie 09-08-2004 12:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

lettie 10-08-2004 09:59

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big
showbiz party in his s****y new house.

everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of
movies and music, fashion and art.

There's the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne,
Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar,
Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light
My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with
Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out
of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up
with a good book.

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's
about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a
bit of the 'how's yer father?'"
"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you
get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly
bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when
in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that
service to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What
the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end,
the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the
young one by
the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!
"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls.







"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."



:D

Sparkologist 10-08-2004 20:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...milies/lol.gif That's my kecks on boil-wash again. http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...lies/rofl3.gif


A Woman Goes To The Doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of a problem with her 'front passage'. After examining her, the doctors says, "You've got an infected aviary".

"Don't you mean an infected ovary?" replies the woman.

"Nope," says the doctor. "There's been a cockatoo up there!" http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

accyplus 11-08-2004 15:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A chap goes to the doctors complaining that he gets direrea very badly,
when do you notice it most asks the doctor?.

When I take my bicycle clips off says the chap.

Sparkologist 11-08-2004 16:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Duct tape, gaffer tape, tank tape... they all do the same job. They tape things down... tight!


Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," says Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but was too shy to?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Dave. "When are you going out?"

"Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face." http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/wink.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

JohnW 12-08-2004 12:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Chinese Torture.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

accyplus 12-08-2004 12:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Did you watch university challenge last night.
Dublin Uni V Belfast Uni,they made a draw nowt apiece.

yerself 12-08-2004 17:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Holy Story - 2 Nuns


One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to take our virginity.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And those of you who thought it would be dirty.........

Pray for forgiveness

lettie 12-08-2004 19:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A short one..


A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she
accidentally breaks wind.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today? Very uncomfortable she asks, Sir how much does this rug cost?

He answers, Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna s**t when you hear the price. :D

Sparkologist 12-08-2004 20:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Irish Sky Diver

Did you hear about the Irish sky diver who fell to his death last week when his flippers failed to open? :D

lettie 13-08-2004 06:57

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Childrens book titles you'll never see..........

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Junior School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Sweets"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket Become Friends"
"Bi-Curious George"
:D

ellie 13-08-2004 11:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."

yerself 13-08-2004 20:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."

yerself 13-08-2004 20:22

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Land Lord Letters

The following are real examples of letters that have been sent into
Landlords.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools
to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something
about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too
much.

janet 14-08-2004 11:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Ghosts Joke
A visiting professor at Oxford University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Village idiot student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Sparkologist 14-08-2004 18:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
40 days and 40 nights is a long time to avoid temptation. How long could you go...? Longer than this couple?


Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either." :D

Bagpuss 14-08-2004 21:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Because the real footy season started today and Wingy says we need to make people happy so they will give us some karma points, which I need, this joke is for the ladies or men who have football loving partners.

HOW TO ANNOY A FOOTBALL FANATIC.

Ask "Was that for offside?" every time the referee blows his whistle for any reason whatsoever.

Suggest that teams should be awarded half-goals for "really near misses".

Insist on an explanation of "goal difference", then pretend that you still don't understand.

Accidentally press play on the video remote control, then spend 10 seconds being unable to find the stop button.

React to the opposition's fifth goal with a cheery,

"Never mind, it's only a game".

Ask if anyone's been given out leg before wicket yet.

Ask why the players and referee can't just get together and discuss that controversial penalty decision in a nice calm, grown-up manner.

Mispronounce Pele as Peel.

Arrange for all your friends to ring up at five-minute intervals, each one pretending to be from a different market-research firm.

Respond to a sending-off by saying, "You know, red just doesn't suit that referee. He'd look much better with a light green card."

Ask why they need to see the fifth ultra-slow-motion replay before yelling, "How did the referee not see that was a penalty?"

Sparkologist 15-08-2004 09:47

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
With the Olympic Games currently being held in Athens, time for a topical joke... :)


A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!" :D

Sparkologist 15-08-2004 10:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place,
between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the White
House.



Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her internship
and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White
House, the President asked "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"

Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President. I have
heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would
be a good idea."

"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock."

Ashley agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where
they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and
pulled it out.

Ashley gasped. "Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the
Presidential Cock!" To which the President responded: "Ashley honey, once you put a
face and two hands on it, it's a clock!" ;) :D

JohnW 16-08-2004 17:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."


The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.


As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.


As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly.


Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Sparkologist 17-08-2004 17:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
It's not rude. It's not crude. But it is ever so slightly corny. So without further ado, I give you... Nelson Mandela.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away." and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them," then slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car windscreens.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?" http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/redface.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Sparkologist 17-08-2004 17:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Catch an eyeful of this... http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...ilies/wink.gif


The Model Lodger

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred. "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't." http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...milies/eek.gif http://www.luxweb.co.uk/~accringt/fo...es/biggrin.gif

Sparkologist 19-08-2004 06:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If you go to Chester Zoo, whatever you do, don't monkey around in the Ape House... :p


Performing Gorilla

Rodney went to the zoo one day...

While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently.
Rodney waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back.
He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him.
He jumped up and down. The gorilla started jumping.
He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest.
His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and Rodney got some grit in his eye. He rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat him senseless.

When he came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained, "in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you'".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left, however, Rodney became madder and madder and plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, Rodney put on the party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
He twirled in a circle blowing the horn.
The gorilla did the same.
Then Rodney picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it.
Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid. ;) :D

lettie 23-08-2004 12:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.

"I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what
did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life
new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."


:D ;)

janet 23-08-2004 14:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed
that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was
putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to
hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and
then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto
their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her
teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and
exclaimed,

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Sparkologist 23-08-2004 17:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
While the Olympic Games are taking place, let's have a topical joke... How fast can you run a lap??? :p



Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning 400 metre runner."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 44 seconds." :D

Sparkologist 23-08-2004 17:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
We've only got the Olympics for a few more days, before another 4 year hiatus. So we better publish any Olympic jokes before they become redundant...



A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles,tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team. ;) :D

janet 23-08-2004 19:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Sparkologist 23-08-2004 19:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:lol: It's well funny, that joke. Just as funny as the one 10 posts previous. ;) :rofl38:

JohnW 23-08-2004 19:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I think we'll have to start calling you "Sarcologist", what do you think?;)

Sparkologist 23-08-2004 20:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Now that the edit facility is back, I could delete my post, and leave you hangin' out to dry, John... hehehe :rofl38:

Sparkologist 23-08-2004 20:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Enough of this wit and repartee, time for another joke. Ladeez... You might have done it 'doggy style', but I bet you've never done it quite like this... :p


This beautiful blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?

She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"?

The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"? She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to sh*g". :eek: :D

janet 24-08-2004 13:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Well then sparky i dont check all the jokes before i post a new one, unlike some, i have a life. Ta very much. LOL.

AnotherJFK 25-08-2004 14:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
discussing the merits of a mistress...

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes
with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt,
divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend
all night on the computer!"

Sparkologist 25-08-2004 15:23

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This may well be my last joke for a while. It's corny, in fact it's almost crap. Don't blame me, Lettie supplied it, I'm just gormless enough to post it... ;)


A stand-up comic's wife demanded that he should tell her jokes, before she would consent to sex.

HE WAS GAGGIN' FOR IT!!! :o :D


Don't blame me. I did warn you. I'll pack my bags... See's y'all in Shanghai. :)

lettie 25-08-2004 16:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:eek: Shame on you Sparky. Trying to blame me for the cr@p joke, you know I only send you good uns..

janet 25-08-2004 17:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (read them out loud)


1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah

Doug 25-08-2004 17:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
hahahahaha - daft ******. Thanks Janet.

JohnW 27-08-2004 11:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
How a Blonde's Garden Grows

A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous

JohnW 27-08-2004 11:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Sensitive men do exist


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they end up leaving together. They get back
to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top
shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.

She turns to him ... they kiss...and then they
rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was
it?"



The guy says



"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

AnotherJFK 29-08-2004 03:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty
soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental
clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got
to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've
been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Bazf 29-08-2004 03:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
THE Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

lettie 29-08-2004 13:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."
:D

janet 29-08-2004 14:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

lettie 30-08-2004 09:33

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the 'street'."
:D

lettie 01-09-2004 08:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A Yorkshire man, a sheep, and an alsatian were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After
being
there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the
breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Yorkshire man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
dog
got jealous, growling fiercely until the chap took his arm from around
the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but
there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold,
there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a
pretty
bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to
health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the
Yorkshire man
started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could,
but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously,
and
whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

:D

yerself 01-09-2004 15:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Affair

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that in here now," the priest says

ellie 02-09-2004 12:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. After he finished the beer, he sits the empty bottle in front of him and orders another beer. The takes that beer and pours it on his hand. He does this two or three times and finally the bartender comes up to him and asks why he keeps pouring beer on his hand. The guy says, "I got to get my date drunk before I go home!"

yerself 03-09-2004 15:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

lettie 07-09-2004 13:27

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This is a real groaner....:D







Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer. After the game they sit on the edge of the saucer towelling themselves off and one ant turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve your game for tomorrow."

The other ant asks: "Why?"

The first ant replies: "We're playing in the cup tomorrow." :D
</FONT>

lettie 08-09-2004 21:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Christmas Present.....:D

A young man called Ron wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
Christmas present. As they had not been dating for very long, after careful
consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note;
not too romantic and not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a
dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself at the same time.


During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with
the following note:



Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them
from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she
looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She
also said that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny,
in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I
wish I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.


When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will
wear them for me on Friday night.


All my love.



Ron.



PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down and a little fur showing. :D


WINGY 13-09-2004 13:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day??

She goes out with a tampon behind her ear,
and she can't find her pencil.......

MUMMIBOO 15-09-2004 09:05

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
im no good at jokes the only one i can remember is:

Why does Edward Woodwood have so many Ds in his name?

coz if he didnt he would be called Ewar Woowoo

sorry thats bad eh!

ellie 15-09-2004 10:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
plastic
anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt
would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world
and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.
She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.


Question:

What was the object?










an m&m melt in yer mouth not in yer hand!!!!

lettie 15-09-2004 21:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last.

All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. He is a dull looking character, wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a gonna die anyway!"

Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the dull genie is right.


"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".


********** P O O F **********


The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of Marks & Spencer delicacies.

"OK sir, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."


********** P O O F **********


The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life (assuming only one attempted kidnapping per decade).

"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"


After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want, and need me."


********** P O O F **********


He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story? If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached!!!! :D


lettie 17-09-2004 16:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw
the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so
she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls
he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam
said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having
to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down
the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he
came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the
door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my
babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the
way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!" :D

janet 17-09-2004 17:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two good one's there lettie.:alright:

Sparkologist 19-09-2004 18:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Well, it's been a while. I've been otherwise detained, but now I'm back. SO LET'S GET POSTING! :thumbsup:


Marriage Proposal

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

"Well, then," she replies. "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how's your sex life?"

"Infrequently." he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, "And is that one word or two?" :confused: :D

AnotherJFK 20-09-2004 12:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let
me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you
are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but
don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his
way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It
will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,
I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family...".
Granny fainted

janet 20-09-2004 14:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Don't Eat Bran

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

pendy 21-09-2004 13:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The congregation are sitting quietly in church one Sunday morning. Suddenly, there is a flash of flame, and Satan appears. The congregation rush screaming for the doors, all except one old fellow. Satan stalked over to him and said "Do you know who I am?" "Sure do", said the old fellow. "And you're not afraid of me" asked Satan. "No" said the old fellow. "You realise that I could kill you with one breath?" "Yup" said the old fellow. "You know that I could put you through the torments of Hell?" "Yup" said the old man. "And you're still not afraid of me? - Why not?"

"Been married to your sister for 40 years"

Sparkologist 21-09-2004 18:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." :confused: :D

Sparkologist 24-09-2004 20:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Ladies, what will you be doing when you're 80?

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!" :D

Sparkologist 25-09-2004 12:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I realise that we have a few wannabe photographers on Accyweb. Is this what you get up to with your hobby?


Fatherhood by Proxy.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!! ;) :D

Sparkologist 25-09-2004 18:51

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This just goes to show, it doesn't always pay to be tactful and take the subtle approach... :rolleyes:


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep." ;) :D

Sparkologist 25-09-2004 19:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Just a quickie...


Q. What do you call a zit on a Blonde's ar$e?

A. A Brain Tumour. :D

Sara 26-09-2004 17:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said:

Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me.

One Kiss from you however and I will turn back into the dapper
young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of
lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream
sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't bl***y think so......
>

janet 26-09-2004 17:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
LOST BRAIN CELL.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Finally she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello......... we're down here.........." in the pants.

lettie 28-09-2004 17:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Hmmm, I've never done it like this before..:D

Two Hillbillies walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their
throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar drinking a beer and
talking. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that
she is
in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin
ya
swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The
woman
begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over
to the
woman, lifts up the back of her dress yanks down her panties,
and runs
his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The
woman is
so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out
of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner
says,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there hind-lick manoeuvre, but I ain't never
seen nobody do it.
:D

WINGY 28-09-2004 18:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
hehe i like that one Lettie.

Sparkologist 28-09-2004 18:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Here's a sick one for you...:o


Q. What's warm & soft when you go go to bed, but hard & stiff when you wake up?

A. Vomit. :eek: :D

Sparkologist 28-09-2004 19:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Who's a pretty boy then...


A man went to a pet shop and bought a very expensive African Grey talking parrot. He took the bird home and attempted to teach his new pet a few words, but instead, the bird obstiately refused and just swore back at him.
After a few hours wasted effort, the man said, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to shove you into the freezer as a punishment!" But the parrot carried on it's own sweet way, swearing and gobbing-off at it's new owner. "Right, that's it! You knew the score. In you go!" cried the man, in total frustration.
After about an hour, the man could hear a knocking sound from within the freezer. When he opened the door, the parrot very eloquently asked to be let out of it's solitary confinement. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer, it said, "I promise never to swear again. Just tell me what the turkey did!" :D





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