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Bagpuss 02-11-2003 21:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to bathroom. If partner seen, shake knob at her making the 'Woo' sound.

3. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs. Admire size of knob in mirror scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth - don't use one.

5. Wash face and armpits. Wash privates and the surrounding area.

6. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap.

7. Crack up how loud farts sound in the shower.

8. Shampoo hair but don't use conditioner.

9. Make shampoo mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

10. Pee in shower.

11. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole time.

12. Partialy dry off. Look at self again, flex muscles and admire knob (again)

13. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

14. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, grab knob, go 'yeah baby' and thrust pelvis at her.

15. Put on yesterdays clothes.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If partner seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

4. Get in shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loafer, wide loafer and pumice stone.

5. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced Crocus Oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

9. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure its all come off.

10. Shave armpits and legs with partner's razor. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

11. Scream loudly when partner flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

12. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.

13. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

14. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If partner seen, cover up any exposed areas then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Bagpuss 02-11-2003 21:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If it really was a mans world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and itwould work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.
23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

happyone 11-11-2003 04:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST.

I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is REALLY REALLY

important.

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS.

THIS IS A SCAM. HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed,

The Blonde  

lettie 11-11-2003 19:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
 ;)  A new fairy liquid advert is being filmed on Shadsworth estate.

 "Mummy, why are your hands so soft?"

 "For f***'s sake I'm only 14."   :-*

janet 11-11-2003 20:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
nice one lettie. they can sing lullabys to each other, see who falls asleep first.

happyone 11-11-2003 21:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
[smiley=lol.gif] [smiley=lol.gif] good one lettie

Tealeaf 12-11-2003 08:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Hey Lettie,

I laughed so much I P***ed my pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dizzy D 12-11-2003 10:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
"WHAT IS POLITICS"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me the president.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll call consider the working class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of Politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The president is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep doodoo."  

happyone 12-11-2003 11:09

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
[smiley=lol.gif]

Tealeaf 12-11-2003 13:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
...and another pair of pants today.. :D

janet 12-11-2003 16:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Good one dizzy. [smiley=thumbsup.gif]

janet 30-11-2003 16:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Who is never hungry at christmas ?

The turkey - he's always stuffed.

happyone 30-11-2003 20:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
get ya coat  janet lol  ;D

janet 01-12-2003 11:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Wow!! Does that mean i've  pulled or what. [smiley=surprise.gif]

happyone 01-12-2003 12:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
;) you know u always  pulled  my cracker

janet 01-12-2003 16:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
There's only one cracker i pull, goes by the name of JACOB. ::)

happyone 01-12-2003 19:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
;D my middle name janet

janet 11-12-2003 10:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Mary had a little sheep
and with this sheep she went to sleep
the sheep turned out to be a ram
and mary had a little lamb

happyone 11-12-2003 12:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:-/ omg janet they getting worse  ::)

Tealeaf 11-12-2003 13:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Wam Bam thank you Mam

Len 15-12-2003 22:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bas***ds who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you bas***ds who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."


The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p**sed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."


janet 16-12-2003 11:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nice one len. ;D

Len 16-12-2003 20:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I found this one.
enjoy.



Subject: Sheep

A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down
and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his
Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has s*x with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces
that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for
good measure brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning,he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sh***ing the sheep
and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover
and one of them is beeping the horn."

lettie 17-12-2003 07:08

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
One for the girls.

:)  What's the difference between a man and a Christmas tree?

A christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!

janet 17-12-2003 08:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A lady walks into the doctors office screaming
she yells " doctor, doctor my breast are hairy! what do i do"
the doctor ask, "well, how long does the hair grow?"
she replies "from here to my penis, but that's a different story"!

happyone 17-12-2003 11:35

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
i am getting frightend to even read janets jokes now  they getting worse :)

Dizzy D 17-12-2003 12:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said

"All I want out of life is four animals".

The teacher asked "really and what four animals would that be"?

The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,

a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for it.

The teacher fainted.

Tealeaf 17-12-2003 13:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I can't understand half of 'em...........am I thick or naive?

janet 17-12-2003 16:29

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
That's because you are on a higher level than the rest of us tealeaf. lol

mez 17-12-2003 18:21

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
the teacher asked her students how they celebrated xmas, she called on patrick murphy"tell me patrick what do you do at christmas time",                                                                                                         patrick addressed the class,  "me & my 12  brothers & sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns,  then we come home, and we put mince pies by the back door & hang up our stockings. then we go to bed & wait for  father christmas to come with toys.                                                                                                          "very nice patrick , now jimmy brown, what do you do at  christmas?"                                                                                                     "me & my sisters also go to church with mum & dad & we sing carols, when we get home we put cookies & milk by the chimmney & we hang up our stockings. we hardly sleep waiting for santa to bring our toys "  jimmey replied.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      "thats also very nice jimmy, "she said then realizing there was a jewish boy in the class & not wanting to leave him out of the  discussion, she asked issac cohen the same question.                                                                                                            isaac said " well we go for a ride & we sing a song." suprised the teacher asked " what song do you sing ?"   well, its the same thing every year.  dad comes home from  the office, weall get into the rolls royce, & wedrive to his toy factory, when we go inside we look at all the  empty shelves & we sing , "what a friend we  have in jesus." then we all go to the BAHAMAS.....

happyone 17-12-2003 20:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
;) me either  tea

lettie 18-12-2003 06:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.    ;D


happyone 18-12-2003 11:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
phoned the pizza  and aske do u deliver  they said no  ham and cheeese  lamb and  beef

Tealeaf 18-12-2003 12:10

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Eh?

lettie 18-12-2003 12:54

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty pound note out of the man's bottom, but then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit," says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

 
:)


janet 18-12-2003 16:02

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Mick and paddy were walking home after a night out on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to paddy "jez, that looks like sean" to which paddy replied "no sean was taller than that,"

Len 18-12-2003 17:57

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man walks into a pub for the first time and stands at the bar.
The barman says to him…. may I get you a drink sir.
The man replies…. Thankyou, yes I will have a pint of bitter please.
The barman pores him the drink, gives it to him and says…. that will be
£1.50p
The man replies…I’m sorry but I am not paying for that! You made the offer to get me a drink and I accepted, therefore I shouldn’t have to pay.

Meanwhile theirs another man sat at a table, dressed in a shirt and tie, says excuse me but I have been listening to the conversation and I am a solicitor.
You barman offered to get him a drink, he accepted so he should not have to pay.

Barman says…. ok, ok drink your pint and leave; don’t come in here again your barred.
So the man drinks the pint and leaves.

Three or four days later the same man goes back into the same pub and goes to the bar.
The barman sees him and goes running over and says …I told you, you are barred from here!
The man says… what are you talking about; I’ve never been in here before in my life.
Barman says…oh are you sure?
The man replies…. yes never!
Barman says… well I barred someone who looks like you a couple of days ago and told him not to come back here again you must have a double.
The man replies …thankyou yes I’ll have a whisky.

Len 20-12-2003 18:24

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
He's innocent

jason 25-12-2003 18:41

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
[quote author=happyone link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=120#132 date=12/18/03 at 13:31:45]phoned the pizza and aske do u deliver they said no ham and cheeese lamb and beef[/quote]

LET'S RIP OFF PETER KAY EH??

Sparkologist 25-01-2004 11:22

Q. How do you circumcise a Hillbilly?

A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

janet 25-01-2004 15:07

Nice one, had to think about that one for a minute. I dont have a dirty mind. ( he he he )

Len 28-01-2004 21:51

The luck of the Irish
 
The Luck Of The Irish

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was Fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.

"Y 'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink
for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the Irishman's
claims.
But he swore every word was true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "
But it happened to my sister."



janet 29-01-2004 10:43

You might well hide homer!

ellie 04-02-2004 20:07

what goes ahhh ahhhh?

a sheep with no lips

Sparkologist 10-03-2004 19:14

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn properly red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden, teeming full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, 'What do you do to get your tomatoes red?'
The gentleman responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.'
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for the next two weeks she exposed herself to her vegetable patch, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,' By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?'
'No,' she replied, 'but my cucumbers are enormous.'

janet 10-03-2004 22:36

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Good one!!!

Sparkologist 18-03-2004 19:00

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Paddy and Murphy were flying in a bi-plane.
Paddy says, 'if we do a loop the loop, do you think we will fall out?'
Murphy replies, 'no, I think we'll still be friends.'

PC Plod 21-03-2004 11:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I've been reading some of the jokes in this thread and I must say one or two of them made me smile but there is one or two of them a bit close to the edge.
Can we please keep them clean!
I want an easy life.I dont want to have to start deleting.
Thankyou.

Sparkologist 25-03-2004 17:56

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Lets be 'aving you, Plod. Try this one for size...


Snow White wakes up one morning and the sun is shining. She goes downstairs and says to the Seven Dwarfs, 'it's such a nice day, and you've worked very hard recently, so I'm going to take you to the zoo. Later we shall go and have tea with my friends, the nuns, at the convent'.
They had a wonderful time at the zoo, then in the afternoon they climbed the big hill to the convent. Dopey Knocked on the door, and the Mother Superior answered. 'Do you have any dwarf nuns?' he asked, in a trembling voice.
'No, my son', she replied.
'Well are there any dwarf nuns in the world?' he asked, as he started to shake.
'Not that I know of', said the Mother Superior.
At this point, Dopey fell to his knees.'Oh sh**, I wasn't to know', he cried.
All the other six dwarfs fell about laughing, shouting, DOPEY SHAGGED PENGUIN. DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!

Edit:
Under investigation
This one is very close to the edge! I shall have to seek further advice.

lettie 25-03-2004 18:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Oh dear, you need help Sparky!!!!:help:

Sparkologist 25-03-2004 18:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lettie
Oh dear, you need help Sparky!!!!:help:

Why, what you offering? ;)

I'm trying to keep 'em clean. I'll up the ante next time, and push the envelope a little. That should get Plod's juices flowing, but i never was one for authority. :D

SuperAccyStan 25-03-2004 19:52

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
These jokes are brill keep em coming!! :rofl38:

Len 27-03-2004 19:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
1 Attachment(s)
.

An Indian goes to the general store on the reservation and says to the soldier behind the counter.
Indian wants toilet paper!

The soldier says, "Yes chief we have all kinds of toilet paper, we have plain paper, coloured paper, soft paper, ultra soft paper. What would you like?"

Indian says, " Indian doesn't want John Wayne toilet paper!"

Soldier looking puzzled says, "What is John Wayne toilet paper?"

Indian says " John Wayne toilet paper, rough, tough and takes no sh** off Indian".


Sparkologist 28-03-2004 12:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I have taken legal advice before posting this joke. My brief said my defence should be, 'it's implied, and all in the mind!' before putting his head in a bucket of sand....


An Englishman was travelling through the southern states of America when he came across a rodeo. Having never seen one before, he decided to take a look. He went and stood by the arena wall and proceeded to watch the bull riding competition. Well, the bull was very angry and the cowboys not very good, not one of them could hang on for long. The best cowboy managed to sit astride his mount for eleven seconds before falling off and nearly being trampled to death. The Englishman turned to a fellow spectator and remarked that the standard of riding wasn't what he expected. The American next to him got the hump and said, ' that's the baddest bull in Texas. If you think you can do better, Limey, lets see you try!'
'That shouldn't be a problem', said the Englishman, casually.
As the Englishman sat astride the bull in the holding pen, the organisers snapped an elastic band around its b**** to make it extra mad. The pain was intense, and when the gates opened, it launched out into the arena. One second...two seconds... three seconds...four. The Englishman clung on for dear life, and the crowd started to warm to his efforts. Nine seconds...ten seconds... eleven, the record was broken and the crowd went wild and the Englishman grew more confident. With one hand on the rope, he doffed his hat to a young lady in the crowd. Still the bull was bucking and turning, thirty seconds went by and by now all the arena were on their feet. Fourtyfive seconds he rode for, before the bull collapsed, legs splayed out, in complete exhaustion. As he dismounted the steer, the American spectator came running into the arena. 'Yo Limey! Where'd you learn to hang on and ride like that?' he hollared.
'Quite easy,' said the Englishman, nonechelantly, 'my girlfriend's epileptic.'

lettie 29-03-2004 16:42

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer was a Knight in King Arthur's court. He had a

>long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
>breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he
>revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who
>was
>the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could
>arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would
>cost
>him 1,000
>gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily
>agreed to the scheme.
>
>The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
>poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
>Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
>summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
>Physician
>informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
>four
>hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
>the
>saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the
>itch.
>
>The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
>then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
>which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
>worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
>
>The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
>left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick
>the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
>1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer
>couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could
>never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
>
>The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
>itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned
>Nick the Dragon Slayer........
>
>MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills
>
>
>
>

Sparkologist 29-03-2004 17:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:ban: Top banana, that one, Lettie.

Revo 30-03-2004 18:30

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This is my first post so hope you like it. Its a joke that i read in Nuts magazine and it needs to be made common knowledge coz its gud.

'Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around her nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on long corridors. Because the woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding along when a door opened and Crazy Bill stepped out with an arm streched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice, "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around her handbag and pulled out an empty Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and Ethel sped away down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh good grief," said Ethel "Not the breathalyser again."

Mick 30-03-2004 18:39

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This sounds like the place the wife works at

lettie 30-03-2004 19:43

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Disclaimer.....
Accy webbers may read this joke at their own risk. No offence is intended to anybody who is Irish, Catholic or happens to be called Fannie Green. ......... Hope that will do Mr Plod..




> >A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has

> >been one month since my last confession.

> >I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month". The

> >priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail

> >Mary's'."Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been

> >two

> >months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice

> >a week

> >for the last two months."

> >This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

> >"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

> >"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next

> >morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a

> >gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her

> >as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits

> >down in front of the Altar.

> >Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green

> >shoes. The

> >priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly

> >spread

> >apart, Sharon Stone-style.

> >The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie

> >Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the

> >reflection off her shoes".

> >

>

lettie 30-03-2004 20:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > be reassured.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "No, no, no!!!" she answers.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Well, who is he, then?" he demands.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "That's me before the surgery.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > >

janet 31-03-2004 11:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nice one Lettie,

Sparkologist 31-03-2004 17:58

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
The Campaign for the Moral minority might not like this joke, but i thought it worthy of posting.....


A teacher teaches a class of young children and decides to find out a little about their family lives, so she asks the question, to the class 'Today, can you to tell me what your fathers do for a living?'

A little girl raises her hand. 'Yes Julie, would you like to tell us what your dad does for a living?'
'Yes Miss. He's a postman Miss,' says Julie.
'And what does he do as a postman, Julie?' Asked the teacher.
'He delivers letters, Miss.'

Another hand went up. 'Daniel, would you like to tell us what your dad is?'
'He's a fireman, Miss,' was the reply.
'And what does your dad do as a fireman, Daniel? asked the teacher.
'He puts out fires, Miss,' Daniel answered.

The teacher notices little Billy sat at the back of the class very quietly, not looking very happy, because normally he is the class joker, always with something to say. 'Billy,' said the teacher, 'you are very quiet today. Would you like to tell us what you dad does for a living?'
'My dad's dead, Miss,' mumbled Billy.
'We are very sorry to hear that, Billy,' said the teacher. 'What did your dad do before he died?'
At this point, little joker Billy sprang to life. A beaming grin erupted across his face as he said, 'he turned blue, and sh** himself, Miss!'
славное одно

Sparkologist 03-04-2004 11:57

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Unusually, this one's clean.... It's your mind that's mucky...


An 85-year-old man goes went to see his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's surgery and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man said, 'well, doc, it's like this.'
'First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help.she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.'
'She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing'
'We even called in Mavis, the lady from next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
'Yep,' the old man replied, 'and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open!'


I told you it was clean! Was I right on the other count?

lettie 03-04-2004 12:07

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rofl38: :rofl38: Yep!! Dead right on the other count...

Sparkologist 04-04-2004 15:20

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
If i upset anyone from the U S of A, i apologise. But then again, they are known for being slow in the 'Uther Side of Accy'...


After having their eleventh child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to see his doctor, (who also treated mules), and told him that he and his wife/sister didn't want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure known as a vasectomy to fix this problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, drop it in a beer can, hold the can to his ear and count to ten. The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' So, the couple drove to Georgia, to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to explain the procedure fo a vasectomy, when he noticed that the couple were from Alabama. The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold the can next to his ear and count to ten.
Figuring that both learned physicians cannot be wrong, the man went home lit a cherry bomb and dropped it in a beer can. He sat down, held the can to his ear and began to count. 'One, two, three, four, five.....,' at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.


If it makes you laff; Gimme medal, gimme medal... or a karma point :p

Sparkologist 05-04-2004 19:17

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Plaisanterie du jour. That's French, that is... Joke of the Day


A blond and a brunette were walking down the street one day and pass a flower shop.

The brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh c**p…my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason.'

The blond looks quizzically at her and says, 'Don’t you like getting flowers?'

The brunette says, 'Yes, sure…but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, but I don’t fancy spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blond replied, 'Don’t you have a vase?'

:flower::flower::flower:


Same rules apply, If it makes you laff, gimme medal, gimme medal... If it offends, run and tell yer mam.

Len 05-04-2004 21:51

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
EVER WONDER where we are headed...


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?


Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do a "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?


Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?

Who actually tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(The shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)


On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).


On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)


On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".


On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.



Pingu 06-04-2004 02:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

Sparkologist 06-04-2004 19:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'Give me two single whiskies, please.'

'Sure,' the barman replies, 'Do you want them one at a time or both now?'
'Oh, both now,' answers the drinker, 'one for me and one for my little friend here,' and with that he pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The bartender looked in amazement at the little guy and asked, 'Can he drink?'
'Sure,' replied the man, and with that, the little guy downed the whiskey.
'That's amazing,' said the barman. 'What else can he do? Can he walk?'
The drinker tosses a coin down the other end of the bar and asks his friend to go and return it. Sure enough, the little guy runs down the bar, picks up the coin and jogs back.
'That really is amazing! Can he talk? asked the barman.
'Of course,' said the drinker. 'Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa, and you called that witchdoctor a wa****...'

Pingu 06-04-2004 23:06

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
http://pictures.funnyjunk.com/pages/...ing_md_wht.gifEverybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.http://pictures.funnyjunk.com/pages/...owl_md_wht.gif

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

http://pictures.funnyjunk.com/pages/...end_md_wht.gifWhen my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

http://pictures.funnyjunk.com/pages/...njo_md_wht.gifWell now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

lettie 07-04-2004 09:38

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, "Please be gentle;

I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?

Well, husband 1 was an Architect; he kept on telling me how great it was
going to be.

Husband 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was a Services Consultant; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deleiver.

Husband 5 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was .God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, "I'm so excited!"

"Good" said the husband, "but, Why?

"You're an Estate Agent. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get scr**ed!"

janet 07-04-2004 12:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Really good jokes, keep them coming.

:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38:

Sparkologist 08-04-2004 15:28

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two sisters, one blond one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from reprocessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes the last $600 out of their bank account and heads off west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Before leaving, she tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides that she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here so that we can haul it home.’

The telegraph operator says that he is glad to help, then adds, ‘It is only 99 cents a word.’

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only has $1 left. She realises that she will only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a minute, she nods, and says, ‘I want you to say the word ‘comfortable’.’

The operator shakes his head and says, ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck, and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you send her the word ‘comfortable’?’

The brunette explains, ‘She’s blond, she’ll read it very slowly!’

Len 09-04-2004 13:04

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I couldn't miss this opportunity
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't

forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive

823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss

Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos,20,198
who enjoy multiple orgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited,

and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all,
your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come
back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his

friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he
sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international
supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend
moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the
chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above

me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering
from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities
(that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No
obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like
marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuumcleaner
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they

can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon
undertake.

Len 09-04-2004 13:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
This one might get me in trouble.
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of

the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes
walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of There!" she shouts.
"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents
are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down
there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no teeth down there."
"Yes there are," he says, "My Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With
that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries.
She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says,
"LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition
of those gums I'm not surprised!"

Sparkologist 09-04-2004 14:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
[QUOTE=Len]This one might get me in trouble.QUOTE]



:thumbsup: Cracking joke, Len... Don't worry about Plod & the mind controllers

janet 09-04-2004 14:32

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Excellent joke len, even Mr Plodd will like that one.

:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38:

ellie 09-04-2004 14:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
good joke Len, really made me giggle

Sparkologist 09-04-2004 14:44

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to another drinker. He immediately notices that the drinker has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first man says, 'Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it from?'
The drinker replied, 'I was granted one wish by a genie in this bottle.'
'Great, can I have a go?' the man asks.
'Sure,' said the drinker. So the man grabs the bottle and starts to rub it furiously, and lo behold, a genie appears.
'You are granted one wish!' commands the genie.
'The man says, ' I want a million bucks.'
'Done,' says the genie, and disappears. A few minutes go by then suddenly the bar room door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling over one another through the bar room door.
'I can't believe this,' said the man who had just made the wish. ' I asked for a milion bucks, not a million ducks.'
The drinker looked at him and said, 'Do you really think I asked for a Twelve Inch Bic?'

Len 09-04-2004 14:48

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Nice one.... lol

janet 09-04-2004 14:50

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Keep them coming guys.

PC Plod 3487 09-04-2004 16:03

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Steady
Any complaints and they will be off.


But off the record.
:thumbsup:

lettie 09-04-2004 16:12

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk ....
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate


Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're
drunk ...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
have zero co-ordination.
i) I must be going home now as I have work in the
morning

Sparkologist 09-04-2004 16:15

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by PC Plod 3487
Steady
Any complaints and they will be off.

:wave: Hello Pc O'Brien, glad to see you're still living in your little 1984 world

But off the record.
:thumbsup:

Be careful giving away your innermost secrets, you might become the worm that turns, then your sergeant will have to discipline you.:whip:

janet 09-04-2004 20:53

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
How right you are lettie.

Sparkologist 10-04-2004 15:54

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Now this is a novelty. A joke that has no reference to sex or bodily functions...just.

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they all woke up. Daddy mole stuck his head up out of the hole and looked around. 'Mummy mole!' He called back down the hole, 'Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!'
Mother mole ran up the tunnel and squeezed out of the entrance, next to daddy mole. 'That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!'
Baby mole was still down the hole, sulking. 'I can't smell anything down here but molasses...'

WINGY 11-04-2004 11:11

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A man is sitting in a bar having a couple of drinks. After a while he turns round to speak to the large muscular blonde woman sitting next to him. He says, "I've got a joke. A blonde woman is sitting in a bar..," "STOP RIGHT THERE, MISTER!", she says. "Before you tell this joke I think you should know that I am the British Wrestling Champion and I'm blonde, that woman at the other side of the bar is the British Karate Champion and she's blonde, and that woman in the corner is the World Weight Lifting Champion and she's blonde". The man then proceeds to down his drink, stands up to leave, and turns round to the woman and says, "Never mind, I don't want to have to explain it three times".

lettie 13-04-2004 19:18

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
> > > > Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublinpub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite"!

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes look up the stairs and says "No way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fockit" and falls into bed.


> > > > > The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night"?

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was p*ssed. But how'd you know"?

"Mick called......You left your wheelchair at the pub".


Sorry for any offence, but it's not really swearing cos it's in Irish.;)

Len 13-04-2004 19:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nice one lettie.

:biggrin8:

ellie 13-04-2004 21:13

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
haha good one Lettie

WINGY 13-04-2004 22:40

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Nice one lettie

Tealeaf 14-04-2004 08:31

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I fell out my chair laughing..

Sparkologist 14-04-2004 20:45

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
I sincerely hope this joke isn't too sick for your tastes....

This old wino walks into a bar, and immediately the barman tells him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger outside.
A minute later, another old wino walked into the bar and was instantly asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time, so once again the barman obliged, and the old soak quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came throught he door, and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though, the drunk turned him down and asked for a drinking straw instead.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman, and he asked the old tramp why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two winos both wanted cocktail sticks. The wino said, 'Well, someone has been sick outside, but all the lumpy bits have gone now.'

Bazf 14-04-2004 22:34

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
:rose8: One I heard to day........ hope its allowed on the board.....

edited due to offensive content

janet 15-04-2004 10:01

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Naughty, Naughty bazf.

Bazf 15-04-2004 12:49

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Thank you, did you here about the dyslexic SAS guy scaled the walls of the zoo and freed the Ostriches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bazf 15-04-2004 12:55

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Two Irish men see a notice Good Job Tree Fellers wanted and Paddy says to Mick " do you know where Shaun is now, then we can apply".

janet 15-04-2004 16:19

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
Keep em coming. lol

Sparkologist 16-04-2004 16:46

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
A couple had just got married and were about to begin their wedding night.
The Bloke undresses and then throws his trousers to his new bride. 'Here,' he says, 'put these on.'
His wife looks puzzled and says, 'But they won't fit.'
'Exactly,' says the bloke. 'Remember that. I wear the trousers round here.'
A few seconds later, his new bride throws her knickers at him. 'Here,' she says, 'put these on.'
Now he looks puzzled and he says, 'But I can't get into them.'
'No,' she says, 'and if you carry on like that, you never will!'

Stanley4Life 16-04-2004 17:37

Re: Joke Of The Day
 
edited due to offensive content


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