Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Now I have to go and change my keks.....I laughed so much the tears ran down my legs.:)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Border police have just seized two tons of toilet rolls hidden in cocaine.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

If you get an e-mail with the subject 'Knock, Knock'.
Don't open it....it's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.
(Sorry.... I'll get my coat)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours
for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived
on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow
to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they
all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same
offer that was made to the cat.

"Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and
even people with brooms!" said the mice. "If we could just have some little
roller skates, we would not have to run again."
"Done," said God All the mice had beautiful little roller
skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. She was
lounging on her fluffy pillow. "Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are you happy?"
"Oh, it is wonderful," said the cat. "I have never been so happy
in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and the Meals on Wheels was a nice
touch."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ran out of toilet paper today.
Having to use lettuce leaves....today was just the tip of the iceberg.
Tomorrow....well, that Romaines to be seen.

OK...I'll get my coat.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

When I was applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked,
“Do you have a criminal record?”
I said,
“No. Is that still required?”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Shaun walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Shaun said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Shaun what he had ….
Shaun said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Shaun to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Shaun a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Shaun to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Shaun sitting patiently in the nude and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, ‘Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Shaun said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload them

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down with Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The truth is, it’s not so boring at home. But, it’s interesting that one bag of rice has 7,846 grains and another has 7,237.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Q: When Donald J Trump was asked what the J stood for?

A: He said “Genius”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Sydney Harbour. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love with her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Manly Ferry."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A U.S. vicar has died after injecting himself with disinfectant - Donald Trump has been arrested & charged with a bleach of the priest

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant and whilst waiting for their food a woman at a nearby table starts coughing and spluttering and is in real distress.One of the hillbillies says to her `kin ya swallar?`The woman shakes her head,`kin ya breathe?`She shakes her head and starts to turn blue.The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked she goes into a violent spasm and coughs out the obstruction in her throat.
The hillbilly walks back to his table and his partner says to him,`Ya know, I heerd of that there hind lick manoover,but I never seed anyone do it.`

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's a cringeworthy one...even this sort are starting to be amusing:

After finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them
against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever" the woman gasps. "how did you do it?
"Easy," replies the man "these are my khakis"…….

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A young woman is perched on the parapet of a bridge over a river....about to jump.
A man approaches and tells her that it is a daft thing to do....that she should not end her life in the water of this dirty river.
He gets the woman to open up and she relates a heart rending life story.
The man then says 'What if i could take you away fro all this?'
the woman then asks how.
He tells her that he is a sailor and he is just about to board his ship for Italy.
He paints a wonderful picture of how her life would be if she went with him on board and set up a new life in a warm country.
The woman asks how this would be posssible.
The chap tells her he will find her a place on board where she will not be found...get food and drink to her and finally when they dock he would smuggle her into Italy.

The woman gets down off the parapet and they go to his ship.
He finds her a cosy cubby hole and tells her she will be safe.
Pretty soon she fells the ship moving.
The chap comes along regularly and gives her food and wine.
Pretty soon they are in a relatiionship.
One day there is much hurrying and scurry ing heard.
By and by the door to the cubby hole opens and there stands the Captain.
He wants to know what the heck she is doing there so the girl relates the story.... and asks how long it will be before they get to Italy.
The Captain laughs and says ' This is the Mersey Ferry...girl you really have been screwed......she nods her head and says Yes he has been doint that too!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'd been drinking in a bar.....so I thought it would be better to take the bus home.
OK.....no big deal taking the bus home.....well excuse me...it IS if you've not driven a bus before.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I have a fear of giants.

It's called 'fee-fi-phobia

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up" said Paddy.
"I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the heck did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up.
She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car." said Paddy.
"Good choice too" said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clot

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That’s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension’. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered'

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A man feels really terrible and goes to the doctor. The doctor checks him over thoroughly. ‘Sorry,’ the doctor says, ‘ but I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on Earth.'

So, overcome with fear, the man trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there before, and she wants him to be with her. They arrive at the bingo hall and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage. ‘Sunshine,‘ the bingo caller says, ‘I've been doing this for 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!’ 'Lucky?' screamed the man 'Lucky? I’ll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. ‘Well, bless my soul, I don’t believe it,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey and thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

dolly yeh made me spit me brew out,:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Emperor Haillie Sillassi came to London for a state visit. He was met at Waterloo Station by the Queen and rode with her to Buckingham Palace in an open-top coach. As they were progressing down Pall Mall, one of the horses farted. "I'm terribly sorry about that, Emperor" the Queen said. He replied "That's alright, your majesty. I thought it was one of the horses"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bob, they say the old ones are the best...that one has whiskers on it, but it is still funny.....and you know what I thought it was TRUE.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I thought it time we had a laugh, so here goes:

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

That's why we love the Irish.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A few comments about getting old….

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked – not a pretty sight. So remember…don’t sing!

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And finally, if you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I think we all need a bit of a chuckle so here are a few short funnies for bright and funny women to make their day and for bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it….

A couple are lying in bed. The man says ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world’……and the woman replies ‘I’ll miss you’.

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today’ Jack says as he steps out of the shower. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this’? ‘Probably that I married you for your money’ she replied.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q. How do you stop your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practising to be men.

…and by the way, we are not aging, we are ripening to perfection.
We all know that mirrors don’t lie…I’m just grateful they don’t laugh.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a raging and violent river. Needing to get to the other side the first man prayed. ‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river’ and poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river’ and poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing.

Seeing what happened to the first two men the third man prayed ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence, to cross the river’ and poof! he was turned into a woman, she checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream, and walked across the bridge.

Guys, if at first you don’t succeed do it the way your wife told you….

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

How To Stop Church Gossip…

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing his truck there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home… and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh Dorothy, what a tonic those last few funnies were.
Now I had better go and hang my knickers on the line....yes they have been washed!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied “Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After being married for 30 years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while then said ‘you’re an alphabet wife…A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.

She asked ‘what the heck does that mean?’ and he said ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot’. She smiled happily and said ‘Oh, that’s so lovely but what about I, J, and K?’ He said ‘I’m Just Kidding!’

Memorial service will be held Tuesday afternoon.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me. He grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry, I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life, and I am a complete failure" I say. “I was late for a meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. I forgot my wallet in the cab I took home, found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought a drink, dropped a capsule in it, and sat here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole bloody thing!”

“But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I once kissed a nun. She said "Bob, you can kiss me once, you can kiss me twice, but you mustn't get into the habit"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old. Since her husband was so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Susan consents. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first. "Well" he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb."

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip, "I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible. But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So, I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start…".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man was being examined by his doctor. ‘Will I be okay?’ he asked. ‘I doubt it’ replied the doctor ‘Mercury is in Uranus right now’. ‘I don’t do that astrology stuff’ said the patient. ‘Me neither’ said the doc ‘my thermometer just broke’.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The ESA, launched a rocket to the moon crewed by a Yorkingshireite & a Chimp, the lunar lander was remotely controlled from the space centre in Darmstadt & as the module touched down on the surface, all systems turned green & the "Astronauts" set about their assigned tasks.


The Chimp pressed the big Banana button in front of him & his screen lit up with pictogrammes explaining what his mission was.


Suit up for lunar activities.



Leave module & collect samples.


Return to module & place samples in the onboard analysing machine.


Send results back to earth for evaluation.


So the courageous little Chimp suits up & heads off. Once the Chimp had gone the Yorkingshireite pressed the "John Smiths" shaped button on his instruction screen to recieve his instructions


Make sure the Chimp is fed & comes back safe!


:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Gin Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle gin, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of gin to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Gin again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the gin is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the gin to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Gin, Now sh** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Gin and wipe the counter with the dog

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The circus owner dares anyone in the audience to get in the cage with the lion. Two people volunteer, one is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body, in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try first?" The gorgeous brunette says "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect, naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.
"What, hon?" she asks.
"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."
"Huh," his wife says, "I bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis next-door."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mother says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A bloke was sent to prison and on the first day he said to his cell-mate “I won't be in here long."

The cell-mate replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think the wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

THIS WILL BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE.

A touching story on how men think??

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his Driver’s Licence to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said ‘Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too”.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

When the lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run the man’s wife kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed. But somehow he always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer.. Always something more important to him.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush. He said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say he will walk again, but he will always have a limp.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Fifty shades of fishing

Four guys had been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer. "Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting on my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, she's been reading that book ‘50 Shades of Grey’. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did and then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes”. "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the theatre".

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Saint Peter and Saint Paul are shooting the breeze in their heavenly abode when Saint Peter suggests that they pay a visit to earth, ok I am up for that says Saint Paul. After circling the earth Saint Peter says, "I wonder where we are, to which St Paul sticks his hand through the cloud and announces "we are passing over Italy", "How do you know that", says Saint Peter, "because I have just touched the top of the leaning tower of Pisa" he replied. After flying for another hour or so Saint Peter again asks where they are, St Paul replies after again putting his hand through the clouds that they are passing over London, "how do you know" asks Saint Peter? "because I have just touched the top of Big Ben," Saint Paul replies. After another twenty minutes or so Saint Peter says "ok pal where are we now, after again reaching through the clouds Saint Paul replies that they are passing over Liverpool, Ha Ha says Saint Peter I bet that you have touched the top of the Royal Liver Building, to which Saint Paul answers. "No some Scalliwag his just pinched my watch".

Just for you Dave.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Well thank you Tads ...... I think. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You are very welcome but don't take it to heart old pal.;);)

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WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not? Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do
WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, okay, I’d get married again
WIFE: You would? (With a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it’s a great house
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, its almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would you give her my jewelry?
HUSBAND: No, I’m sure she would want her own.
WIFE: Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: Yes, those are always good times.
WIFE: Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she’s left handed.
WIFE: (Silence)
HUSBAND: ****!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

a retired midwife died and when she got to the Pearly Gates St Peter asked if there was anything she wished she could do back on earth.
She thought for a moment and said 'Yes...I would like to go back to earth and see how a father would cope with the pain of childbirth.
Quick as a wink she was whisked back to earth.
she found herself in the bedroom of a woman who was obviously in the advanced stages of Labour.
The mother to be looked relaxed and happy...in no pain at all.
Her husband was sat by the window in the room reading the paper.
Elsa asked him how he felt.
'fine came the reply...in fact, never better, but I think someone should call the ambulance for Sam next door...he is rolling round the lawn in agony.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman was mad at her husband.
So mad that she packed him a bag and told him to go.
As he was leaving she told him that she hoped he would live in excruciating agony and die a painful death.
To which he replied 'So...you want me to stay then'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

a cat dies and goes to heaven.
He is met by God who bends down to stroke the cat.
'How 're you doing little fella' God asks.
'Well' said the cat...'all of my life on earth I lived on farms...slept on hard barn floors.
It was not the best'

'say no more' said God tapping the side of his nose.
A fluffy pillow appears out of nowhere...and the cat settles down to a luxury sleep.

A few days later six mice die and arrive in heaven.
God asks them what their lives were like.
The mice tell him 'we were always persecuted. Chased by dogs, women with brooms and cats...well they were the worst'

'Say no more' says God.
The mice look down and they find they all have tiny roller skates.

A few more days pass and God looks in on the cat.

'How are things with you my little friend' asks God.

'absolutely wonderful' says the cat...'Oh yes...and those meals on wheels were simply the best ever!'

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A priest dies and goes to heaven.
when he gets to the pearly gates there is a chap in front of him in a loud shirt, beach shorts and sunglasses.
St Peter beckons this chap forward, asks his name to see if he is on the list of admissions.
The man tells him that his name is Jack Salmon and he is retired airline pilot.
St Peter gives him a silken robe and a golden staff and welcomes him.

St Peter the turns his attention to the priest.
Tell me you name so that i can determine whether you can be admitted,
The Priest tells him that he is Father Bob Friedman, a priest of 43 years standing at the Church of St Mary and all Angels.
St Peter beckons him forward and gives him a basic cotton robe and a rough wooden staff.
'Hang on a minute...how come he gets silk and gold and I get cotton and rough wood?'

St Peter says 'well, up here we go by results....in the 43 years that you preached, your congregation slept.....when he flew, all the passengers prayed'

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Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg. An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?” Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast. “So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes,” he replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”

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A frog telephones a psychic and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

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A fairy visits a couple who are in their 60’s.
She says she will grant them both one wish.
The wife wishes for and all inclusive luxury world cruise with her darling husband.
And magically two tickets appear in her hand.
Her husband wishes for a woman thirty years younger to take him on a cruise.

Pffft! Like magic the man is 93 years old…his wish is also granted.

Now for all those selfish husbands out there remember fairies are not only magic, they are female!

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Don't you believe it Marge, if you stand on Blackburn Boulevard any Saturday night after the pubs have shut you will encounter many (male?) Fairies.

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Blackburn Boulevard is no longer what it was…not in the social sense anyway…or so I’m told.
Haven’t made any evening visits for a long long time.

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A new 6 floor store has opened.

It sells husbands...the higher the floor the more expensive the husband.

The store has one rule, you can go up but not down the stairs.

Woman goes in...

First floor all the men for sale have jobs... woman thinks ok I'll go up and see whats on offer on the second floor.

Second floor..all the men have jobs and like kids.. woman thinks gotta go higher this is getting good

Third floor..all the men have jobs, like kids and are good looking.. wow thinks the woman I wonder what's upstairs..

Fourth floor..all the men have jobs, like kids, are good looking and help with housework...jeez thinks the woman, I gotta go higher

Fifth floor..all the men have jobs, like kids, are good looking, help with the housework and are thoughtful and romantic...OMG shrieks the woman, I just have to go to the top floor

Sixth floor..a sign says you are the 31,666,535,378 visitor to this floor, there are no men, this floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.

Incidentally.....

There is a new wife store next door, the first floor has women that have money, the second floor has women that have money and love sex

the higher floors have never been visited

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While in-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100 the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man totally nude also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche I gave you, HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat. HE paid for your Football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your golf trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues, and because of HIM I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month’.

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?” The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold’.

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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book' she replies (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment'.

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Not sure if this has been on here before, apologies if it has, but here is the real story of the three Bears, this is a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning ...

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For crying out loud, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once ....

…..I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

No….I do not recall that having been posted before…and I know I ‘liked’ it….but there is no button for ‘love’ it.

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Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy". The bull replied, "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings...? They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon though the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story, Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh that tickled my chuckle muscle Dorothy.

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Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling". Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well" said the pirate "we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” The pirate explained "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.”

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate "one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding" said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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The difference if you marry a Lancashire Lass..


The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Lancashire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here's one that might have been 'told' before, apologies if it has.

Elsie and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Elsie: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Elsie I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Elsie: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angel bikers walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"

The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly. However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East”.

Wife's Response: "Who’s Paula?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

If you are being chased by a pack of Taxidermists….don’t, whatever you do….play DEAD.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I have started a dating site for lonely chickens.
It isn’t my day job…I just do it to make Hens meet!

Ok…I’ll get my coat

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Hello?
‘Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?’ ‘No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul’. After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’ ‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.’

Brief Pause. ‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’ ‘Okay Daddy, just a minute.’

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. ‘I did it Daddy.’
‘And what happened honey?’ he asked. ‘Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!’ ‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’ ‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and he isn’t moving either.’

Long Pause.....Longer Pause......Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, ‘Swimming pool? Is this 555-6731?’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” “All of it” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”

“Two and a half carats.”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. it has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: " I tell you, the car has water in the carburettor."
Husband : "You don't even know what a carburettor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: " In the swimming pool."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dorothy….thank you for the hearty belly laughs….and before breakfast too!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just watched an old clip on youtube of Walter Matthau telling this one..

3 old guys sitting in a care home bemoaning their youth.

1st guy says, 'damn I wish I could take a leak like I used to. Every morning I squeeze and strain just to get a bit of a dribble.

2nd guy says 'yeah, I'd love to take a proper plop like I used to. Every morning I squeeze and strain for half an hour just to get a couple of little plips.

3rd guy says 'every morning at 7.30am I take a leak, don't strain or squeeze, it gushes like niagara after a downpour, at 7.35am my backside erupts like Vesuvius without me needing to prompt it at all'

The other two, completely confused, look at him and say 'what the heck are you whining about?'

And the 3rd guy says 'I don't get up until 9.00am'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What does a 70 year old man have in common with a Christmas Tree?



The wood is dead and the balls are only for decoration!

Sorry…it made me smile (and right now I don’t have a lot to smile about)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Economy said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh….Dorothy…I have heard it before, but it still makes me laugh.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen to walk beside her carriage. They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

HM said to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen." After they show her their ankles, the Queen said: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

Nine years later, when the pair are released from prison, one of the blokes said to the other: ”I reckon, if we’d had just a bit more education, we would have got that job!”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab.

Then the driver said, ‘Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me’. The passenger apologised and said, ‘I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much.’

The driver replied, ‘Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A man goes to join a monastery. The head monk sits him down to explain the rules. The final rule he says is “This is a silent order. You only get to speak once a year and that’s one sentence to me.” “Righto” the man says. A year goes by the monk approaches the man and says “Well done. You’ve done a year. What’s your sentence?” The man replies “Hard bed”. The monk replies “Ok we’ll get you a soft bed.”

Another year goes by and the monk approaches the man and says “ You’ve done two years, another twelve months. What’s your sentence?” The man says “Cold food.” The monk replies “Ok we’ll get you some hot food.” Another year goes by and the monk approaches the man and says “Another year. Well done, three years. What’s your sentence? The man replies “I quit.”

The monk replies “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right"

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary..."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One day, a market researcher was knocking on doors in a street. He reached the final house in the row and was welcomed by a busy looking housewife.

“Hello,” he started. “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?” “Sure” the busy woman answered. “My husband and I use it when we’re intimate.”

The researcher was taken aback and stuttered: “Oh, er, I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it?” “Yeah,” she replied. “We put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dorothy that just made me ‘snort’ my lunch time brew….let me tell you snot and tea don’t taste good.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Dotti, Where O where do you keep getting these "cracking" jokes from ?