Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Yep...very sick

but bloody good...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Keep them coming. lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I received this via text message earlier today. I've been told it's not a dare, but it too good to waste away in the dark recesses of my moby.


Little Mary came home from school, and said to her mother, "Jimmy showed his willy today. It was like a peanut."
"What? You mean small? said her mother.
"No," said Mary, "it was salty." :tongue8:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh dear. :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This joke may be better in the swinging thread...... ;)

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Go girl...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Murphy's Law On Sex.


The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."


This Murphy chap is a very astute anthropologist :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A short one....


A prostitute is run over by a car and loses her eyesight.

The doctor asks "how many fingers do I have up?"

The prostitute replies "bloody hell! am I paralysed as well?"

;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:lol: Keep 'em coming Lettie.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Make I laff.....Keep 'em coming Lettie

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

[QUOTE=lettie]Why Cucumbers are better than men :D

Lettie, do you like Marrows by any chance?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just a couple of loosener ups:

Q. What's the difference between the German football fans and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and John Prescot.You
have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot John Prescot - twice.

Q. What do Man United football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never
swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Keep then coming Darby....I need a Laugh

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

OK just a couple more then....You'll have to wait for the rest

Q: Why aren't the German football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the German team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red,
yellow and black in honour of the German squad. But it was a laughing stock
and crumbled in the box.

Q: Why do Germans make better lovers than Portuguese/English?
A: Because Germans are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes
and
still come second!