An easy way to commit suicide...lol - Page 8

chav1 · 12-02-2005, 07:15

oops wrong thread

chav1 · 12-02-2005, 07:21

and again...

-pixie · 12-02-2005, 07:23

Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another
woman, you can rearrange his face.

Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to be men.

Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks,
not with your brains?
Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron
than he is blind.

When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

-pixie · 12-02-2005, 07:24

Men & Women: The Difference!

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

-pixie · 12-02-2005, 07:25

Men usually have one thing on their minds...

WillowTheWhisp · 12-02-2005, 07:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bazf

Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions

....................................

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

Our cat doesn't only have facial expressions but she has learned several words of the English language.
She can say "Now!"(a demand for anything she wants only quicker than I'm doing it) "Mama", "Hello" (but it's more of a Tellytubby "Heh-Oh") "Why?" (when asked to move, come in, go out etc) "Am" (in response to me telling her she can't be hungry) "o-O-oH!" (when she realises she's going to the vet)

Good grief man there are far more varieties than beige, off white and eggshell. Those three are TOTALLY different! How about ivory? cream? eau-de-nil?

WillowTheWhisp · 12-02-2005, 16:55

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded

rockrabbit · 12-02-2005, 23:30

sorry to all blokes but this is a pretty good one

MEN ARE LIKE.........
1.Men are like .......Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2.Men are like .. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like.... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

4.Men are like ..... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are like .... Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like ...... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8.Men are like ..... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like ..... Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like.... Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Tinkerbelle · 13-02-2005, 01:31

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wizened to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig!

What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."

Why do men become smarter during sex?

Because they are plugged into a genius.

Tina · 13-02-2005, 02:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by lettie

Hehehehe... I know someone with that kind of attitude Busman but luckily I divorced him.

I had to divorce him, I couldn't find anyone brave enough to give me an alibi..

I hear ya Lettie !

Tina · 13-02-2005, 02:49

I was married for 8 and together for 10....I would have been out by now.....hehehe

Tina · 13-02-2005, 02:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margaret Pilkington

If men are so smart how is it that they cannot follow simple instructions, get the woman in their life to fill out all the forms......except the racing form.
I once heard a man on a stall at Blackburn Market say he would never understand women as they were 'queer folk'.......I came back quickly with the quip 'well, God made them to match men'!

Here's one for you ...

Why does it take 3 billion (or so) sperm to fertilize one egg?

because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Tina · 13-02-2005, 03:37

I've done it again. Lmao at this thread, and thinking I would contribute one you'd never heard (I'm thinking....I'm in Canada...I'm sure they won't have heard this one.) But alas Lettie beat me to it...in my zeal I didn't read Lettie's rendering of the joke...so to make up for it here is another:

A priest (vicar whatever) and a nun are in the desert, desperately lost with no-one around.

They walk aimlessly for miles, when night begins to fall and the air turns cold.

They set up camp for the night (a respectable distance between them of course.)

After a time, just as the priest is almost asleep, the nun whispers to the darkness...

"Father, I am so cold."

And like a true gentleman, the priest gets up and finds her an extra blanket.
A short time passes and again the nun complains of the cold. Again, the priest gets up and covers the nun with another blanket.

The nun again cries out: Father I'm getting colder by the minute !

The priest seizes upon a new idea and says: " Listen, there's no-one around....why don't we - just for this one night - pretend we are man and wife ?"

The nun is not at all sure, but looks around, and seeing that no-one would be the wiser, agrees.

Says the Priest : " Get up and get your own f@@#$$%%^ blanket !

Tina · 13-02-2005, 03:47

Sorry for posting so many in a row. All of Lancashire is likely asleep now. It's about
5 - ish in the morning for you but not yet 11 pm (the night before) over here. I will attempt to get in on the action as it's happenning in future ....(if you can do it LittleMo, then by golly I'll try!) Anyway - I've had a great laugh reading these posts. (all in good nature Busman ! )

Busman747 · 13-02-2005, 10:19

Nice contribution Tina