Accrington Web
   

Home Gallery Arcade Blogs Members List Today's Posts
Go Back   Accrington Web > Fun > Anything Goes
Donate! Join Today

Anything Goes Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum!


Welcome to Accrington Web!

We are a discussion forum dedicated to the towns of Accrington, Oswaldtwistle and the surrounding areas, sometimes referred to as Hyndburn! We are a friendly bunch please feel free to browse or read on for more info.
You are currently viewing our site as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, photos, play in the community arcade and use our blog section. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please, join our community today!



Like Tree525Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 23-08-2022, 20:56   #2176
Senior Member
 
Stevie R's Avatar
Re: Joke Of The Day

The difference if you marry a Lancashire Lass..


The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Lancashire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Stevie R is offline   Reply With Quote
Accrington Web
Old 03-09-2022, 07:21   #2177
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Here's one that might have been 'told' before, apologies if it has.

Elsie and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Elsie: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Elsie I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Elsie: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-09-2022, 03:52   #2178
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angel bikers walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"

The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"
walker, DaveinGermany and taddy like this.
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-09-2022, 03:53   #2179
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly. However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East”.

Wife's Response: "Who’s Paula?"
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18-09-2022, 09:59   #2180
Beacon of light

 
Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
Re: Joke Of The Day

If you are being chased by a pack of Taxidermists….don’t, whatever you do….play DEAD.
__________________
The world will not be destroyed by evil people...
It will be destroyed by those who stand by and do Nothing.
(a paraphrase on a quote by Albert Einstein)
Margaret Pilkington is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18-09-2022, 10:00   #2181
Beacon of light

 
Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
Re: Joke Of The Day

I have started a dating site for lonely chickens.
It isn’t my day job…I just do it to make Hens meet!

Ok…I’ll get my coat
__________________
The world will not be destroyed by evil people...
It will be destroyed by those who stand by and do Nothing.
(a paraphrase on a quote by Albert Einstein)
Margaret Pilkington is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-09-2022, 01:57   #2182
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Hello?
‘Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?’ ‘No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul’. After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’ ‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.’

Brief Pause. ‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’ ‘Okay Daddy, just a minute.’

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. ‘I did it Daddy.’
‘And what happened honey?’ he asked. ‘Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!’ ‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’ ‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and he isn’t moving either.’

Long Pause.....Longer Pause......Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, ‘Swimming pool? Is this 555-6731?’
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2022, 06:14   #2183
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” “All of it” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”

“Two and a half carats.”
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-10-2022, 01:44   #2184
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-10-2022, 01:45   #2185
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!'
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-10-2022, 01:46   #2186
Senior Member
 

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. it has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: " I tell you, the car has water in the carburettor."
Husband : "You don't even know what a carburettor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: " In the swimming pool."
dotti34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-10-2022, 06:20   #2187
Beacon of light

 
Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
Re: Joke Of The Day

Dorothy….thank you for the hearty belly laughs….and before breakfast too!
__________________
The world will not be destroyed by evil people...
It will be destroyed by those who stand by and do Nothing.
(a paraphrase on a quote by Albert Einstein)
Margaret Pilkington is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28-10-2022, 21:26   #2188
Senior Member
 
Guinness's Avatar
 
Texas Holdem Poker Champion!
Re: Joke Of The Day

Just watched an old clip on youtube of Walter Matthau telling this one..

3 old guys sitting in a care home bemoaning their youth.

1st guy says, 'damn I wish I could take a leak like I used to. Every morning I squeeze and strain just to get a bit of a dribble.

2nd guy says 'yeah, I'd love to take a proper plop like I used to. Every morning I squeeze and strain for half an hour just to get a couple of little plips.

3rd guy says 'every morning at 7.30am I take a leak, don't strain or squeeze, it gushes like niagara after a downpour, at 7.35am my backside erupts like Vesuvius without me needing to prompt it at all'

The other two, completely confused, look at him and say 'what the heck are you whining about?'

And the 3rd guy says 'I don't get up until 9.00am'
__________________
The only problem drinker is the one that doesn't stand his round
Guinness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-11-2022, 09:53   #2189
Beacon of light

 
Margaret Pilkington's Avatar
Re: Joke Of The Day

What does a 70 year old man have in common with a Christmas Tree?



The wood is dead and the balls are only for decoration!

Sorry…it made me smile (and right now I don’t have a lot to smile about)
dotti34 likes this.
__________________
The world will not be destroyed by evil people...
It will be destroyed by those who stand by and do Nothing.
(a paraphrase on a quote by Albert Einstein)
Margaret Pilkington is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools



Other sites of interest.. More town sites..




All times are GMT. The time now is 07:35.


© 2003-2013 AccringtonWeb.com


Page generated in 0.27641 seconds with 12 queries

Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.1