Joke Of The Day

[talentedbutslow]

The Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what public reaction was like.

The first morning she was sworn at, punched, kicked up the arse and received death threats.

God only knows what'll happen when she leaves the house !!!

[talentedbutslow]

OOPS.......wonder if that was racist........

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by talentedbutslow

OOPS.......wonder if that was racist........

Only to those who want it to be.

[Eric]

A voung ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his ususal run of stupid blonde jokes when a large blonde woman stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attriburtes have to do with her worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. She continues, "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and of reaching my full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all this in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interjects. "You stay out of this mister; I'm talking to that little sonofabitch on your knee."

[flashman]

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed
because of a weight problem.

As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "'I am so ashamed,
Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, now
say, "Moo."

[Eric]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then takes some sliced limes and eats them too. Then he jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartenders screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table." "Doesn't surprize me says the patron. He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and the other stuff." He pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's back in the bar again with his monkey. While he is drinking, the monkey picks up a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?", asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Doesn't surprize me," says the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Eric]

On a transatlantic flight a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

The passengers stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his body. The woman gasps. He throws his shirt at her and says, "Here, iron this, and get me something to eat."

[Retlaw]

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out:
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the radio-aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona with it until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:
"Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona, more than a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred - let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires -
eventually admits, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so. Because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the
worst case of van aerial disease that I have ever seen.

[gpick24]

A little boy says to his mother "mum, when I grow up I want to be like Roy Keane".
She replies, "you`ll have to pick one, you can`t do both".

[Retlaw]

I asked my wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I would take half and leave!", She said.

"Excellent!", I said. "I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now **** off "

[DtheP47]

I phoned our local ramblers club today, and this woman just went on and on.

[DtheP47]

The head of the Coppice hedgehogs went to see Wizz the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Spikey", said the Top Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devlish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Wizz, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short distance with the rabbit to the A56, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehog's delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Spikey was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at the head honcho rabbit...who said,

"Flippimg heck, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

[DtheP47]

I've just seen this bloke with a didgeridoo down on Broadway and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

[Retlaw]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10-pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee upon hearing the sound of the commotion, looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Upon reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly, tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'”No”, the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue..”

[DtheP47]

Topical eh?