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Old 24-07-2003, 20:18   #16
Junior Member+
 

Post Re: Joke Of The Day

An English ventriloquist is visiting Wales, he walks into a small  village
> > and
> > sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures  he'll
have
> > a
> > little fun.
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Alright mate? Good looking dog, mind if I  speak to
him?"
> >
> > Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk, you English fool."
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
> >
> > Dog: "Doin' all right."
> >
> > Welshman: (look of extreme shock)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at  the
Welshman)
> >
> > Dog: "Yep"
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> >
> > Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great  food and takes
> > me
> > to the lake once a week to play."
> >
> > Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
> >
> > Welshman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
> >
> > Horse: "Cool"
> >
> > Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the  Welshman)
> >
> > Horse: "Yep"
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> >
> > Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me  regularly, brushes
me
> > down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me  from the elements."
> >
> > Welshman: (total look of amazement)
> >
> > Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
> >
> > Welshman: "The sheep's a liar!"
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Old 29-07-2003, 17:44   #17
Junior Member
 

Post Re: Top Tip Of The Day

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
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Old 29-07-2003, 18:47   #18
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

> Below are four (4) questions.
> You have to answer them instantly.
> You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
>
>
> OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
> Ready?
> GO!!!
>
>
> First Question:
> You are participating in a race.
> You overtake the second person.
> What position are you in?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Answer:
> If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!  If
>you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
>
>
>
>
> Try not to screw up in the next question.
>
>
>
>
> To answer the second question, don't
> take as much time as you took for
> the first question.
>
>
> Second Question:
> If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Answer:
> If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
> Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
>
>
>
>
> You're not very good at this are you?
>
>
>
>
> Third Question:
> Very tricky math!
> Note: This must be done in your head only.
> Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>
>
> Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
> Now add another 1000.
> Now add 30.
> Add another 1000.
> Now add 20.
> Now add another 1000.
> Now add 10.
> What is the total?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Did you get 5000?
> The correct answer is actually 4100.
> Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
>
>
>
>
> Today is definitely not your day.
> Maybe you will get the last question right?
>
>
> Mary's father has five daughters:
> 1. Nana,
> 2. Nene,
> 3. Nini,
> 4. Nono.
> What is the name of the fifth daughter?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Answe! r: Nunu? NO! Of course not.
> Her name is Mary.
> Read the question again.


B.
__________________
Take it Eaaazzzyyy...
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Old 30-07-2003, 18:21   #19
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.  I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast.  You wont know the house when you get home-we have moved.
About you're father - he as a lovely new job.  He has 500 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.  There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working to good.  Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen the shirts since.
You're sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery.
Some of his work mates tried to save him bought he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.  The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days then for four days.  Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.  We had a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmothers plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

                        Your Loving Mother
                                                         XXX
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Old 30-07-2003, 18:23   #20
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Another typical boy joke

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
>>him," My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
>>You don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a
>>diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample
>>and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
>>takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heck of a lot cheaper than a
>>doctor."
>>
>>So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
>>drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
>>for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten
>>seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
>>your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
>>weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
>>water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
>>daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
>>mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to
>>check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
>>awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water
>>is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
>>with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her
>>into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
>>a lawyer. 5. Your Volvo needs rings. 6. And if you don't stop playing with
>>yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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Old 05-08-2003, 18:33   #21
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

This is just something that someone sent me

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.  

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,  he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony,  he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,   seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great  final  effort,   he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled  posture.   His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......




"P**s off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Old 05-08-2003, 19:23   #22
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

nice one
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Old 05-08-2003, 22:40   #23
IMY
Member
 

Post Re: Joke Of The Day


HOPE U LIKE THIS ONE !!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns,
and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

;D ;D
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Old 06-08-2003, 15:17   #24
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward
full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He
greets the first patient and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin
race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next
patient and greets him. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But
we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to
the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae
hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,

"What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit.

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Old 06-08-2003, 15:19   #25
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammography and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."


The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.


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Old 06-08-2003, 18:10   #26
Caz
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Like it!!  Welcome to the forum Flashman! ;D ;D
__________________
Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.
- Edmund Burke

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
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Old 06-08-2003, 23:10   #27
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Thanks Cazzer,

Here's another,

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project. It's a drama about famous composers, starring top stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis.

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal.

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices.
"Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold said, "I'll be Bach."
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Old 06-08-2003, 23:16   #28
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me
stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy."You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
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Old 06-08-2003, 23:20   #29
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
Frank T likes this.
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Old 07-08-2003, 07:28   #30
Jo
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Post Re: Joke Of The Day

Bang!
A cumberland sausage factory exploded with such might that one of the sausages found it's way all the way to Heaven.
St. Peter at the heavenly gate gathered it up and asked himself "Wonder what this earthly artefact could be? I'll go and ask God."
So he took the Cumberland sausage to God. God examined it and said, "Sorry St. Peter, I've no idea what it is, try taking it to Jesus, he was on Earth, maybe he has more of an idea".
So St. Peter took the Cumberland sausage to Jesus.
"Sorry," said Jesus regretfully, after having carefully examined the Cumberland sausage, "I really don't have a clue, but you could try asking my mother Mary, she was on Earth longer than I was, maybe she knows".
So St. Peter went off to find Mary.
"Hello Mary," he said, " sorry to bother you, but this thing flew up from Earth and I'm trying to work out what it is".
Mary took the Cumberland sausage in her hands, rolled it round, felt it's texture, squeezed it firmly and pinched the tip and then declared,
"I can't be 100% sure, St. Peter, but it certainly does remind me in some way of the Holy Ghost!"
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