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Anything Goes Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum! |
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Welcome to Accrington Web!
We are a discussion forum dedicated to the towns of Accrington, Oswaldtwistle and the surrounding areas, sometimes referred to as Hyndburn! We are a friendly bunch please feel free to browse or read on for more info. You are currently viewing our site as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, photos, play in the community arcade and use our blog section. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please, join our community today!
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668Likes
18-12-2003, 17:02
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#136
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Senior Member+
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: accrington
Posts: 1,977
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Mick and paddy were walking home after a night out on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to paddy "jez, that looks like sean" to which paddy replied "no sean was taller than that,"
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18-12-2003, 18:57
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#137
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God Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Great Harwood
Posts: 5,576
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Rep Power: 3601
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A man walks into a pub for the first time and stands at the bar.
The barman says to him…. may I get you a drink sir.
The man replies…. Thankyou, yes I will have a pint of bitter please.
The barman pores him the drink, gives it to him and says…. that will be
£1.50p
The man replies…I’m sorry but I am not paying for that! You made the offer to get me a drink and I accepted, therefore I shouldn’t have to pay.
Meanwhile theirs another man sat at a table, dressed in a shirt and tie, says excuse me but I have been listening to the conversation and I am a solicitor.
You barman offered to get him a drink, he accepted so he should not have to pay.
Barman says…. ok, ok drink your pint and leave; don’t come in here again your barred.
So the man drinks the pint and leaves.
Three or four days later the same man goes back into the same pub and goes to the bar.
The barman sees him and goes running over and says …I told you, you are barred from here!
The man says… what are you talking about; I’ve never been in here before in my life.
Barman says…oh are you sure?
The man replies…. yes never!
Barman says… well I barred someone who looks like you a couple of days ago and told him not to come back here again you must have a double.
The man replies …thankyou yes I’ll have a whisky.
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20-12-2003, 19:24
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#138
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God Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Great Harwood
Posts: 5,576
Liked: 3 times
Rep Power: 3601
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Re: Joke Of The Day
He's innocent
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25-12-2003, 19:41
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#139
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Full Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Blackpool,Lancashire
Posts: 493
Liked: 1 times
Rep Power: 44
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Re: Joke Of The Day
[quote author=happyone link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=120#132 date=12/18/03 at 13:31:45]phoned the pizza and aske do u deliver they said no ham and cheeese lamb and beef[/quote]
LET'S RIP OFF PETER KAY EH??
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25-01-2004, 12:22
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#140
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I am Band
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Overlooking 22 yards
Posts: 1,321
Liked: 3 times
Rep Power: 56
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Q. How do you circumcise a Hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
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25-01-2004, 16:07
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#141
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Senior Member+
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: accrington
Posts: 1,977
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Nice one, had to think about that one for a minute. I dont have a dirty mind. ( he he he )
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28-01-2004, 22:51
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#142
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God Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Great Harwood
Posts: 5,576
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The luck of the Irish
The Luck Of The Irish
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was Fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.
"Y 'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink
for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the Irishman's
claims.
But he swore every word was true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "
But it happened to my sister."
Last edited by Len; 28-01-2004 at 22:58.
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29-01-2004, 11:43
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#143
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Senior Member+
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: accrington
Posts: 1,977
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You might well hide homer!
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04-02-2004, 21:07
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#144
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: clayton-le-moors
Posts: 463
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what goes ahhh ahhhh?
a sheep with no lips
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10-03-2004, 20:14
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#145
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I am Band
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Overlooking 22 yards
Posts: 1,321
Liked: 3 times
Rep Power: 56
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Re: Joke Of The Day
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn properly red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden, teeming full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, 'What do you do to get your tomatoes red?'
The gentleman responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.'
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for the next two weeks she exposed herself to her vegetable patch, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,' By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?'
'No,' she replied, 'but my cucumbers are enormous.'
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Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!
Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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10-03-2004, 23:36
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#146
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Senior Member+
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: accrington
Posts: 1,977
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Good one!!!
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18-03-2004, 20:00
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#147
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I am Band
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Overlooking 22 yards
Posts: 1,321
Liked: 3 times
Rep Power: 56
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Paddy and Murphy were flying in a bi-plane.
Paddy says, 'if we do a loop the loop, do you think we will fall out?'
Murphy replies, 'no, I think we'll still be friends.'
__________________
Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!
Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
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21-03-2004, 12:45
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#148
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Junior Member+
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Accrinton-web
Posts: 7
Liked: 0 times
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Re: Joke Of The Day
I've been reading some of the jokes in this thread and I must say one or two of them made me smile but there is one or two of them a bit close to the edge.
Can we please keep them clean!
I want an easy life.I dont want to have to start deleting.
Thankyou.
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Please don't be offended or take it personally! Only doing my job.
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25-03-2004, 18:56
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#149
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I am Band
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Overlooking 22 yards
Posts: 1,321
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Lets be 'aving you, Plod. Try this one for size...
Snow White wakes up one morning and the sun is shining. She goes downstairs and says to the Seven Dwarfs, 'it's such a nice day, and you've worked very hard recently, so I'm going to take you to the zoo. Later we shall go and have tea with my friends, the nuns, at the convent'.
They had a wonderful time at the zoo, then in the afternoon they climbed the big hill to the convent. Dopey Knocked on the door, and the Mother Superior answered. 'Do you have any dwarf nuns?' he asked, in a trembling voice.
'No, my son', she replied.
'Well are there any dwarf nuns in the world?' he asked, as he started to shake.
'Not that I know of', said the Mother Superior.
At this point, Dopey fell to his knees.'Oh sh**, I wasn't to know', he cried.
All the other six dwarfs fell about laughing, shouting, DOPEY SHAGGED PENGUIN. DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!
Edit:
Under investigation
This one is very close to the edge! I shall have to seek further advice.
__________________
Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits!
Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!
Last edited by PC Plod 3487; 25-03-2004 at 20:08.
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25-03-2004, 19:01
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#150
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Filthy / Gorgeous
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Re: Joke Of The Day
Oh dear, you need help Sparky!!!!
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
The views expressed here are my own and not necessarily those of my family, friends, employer, this site, my neighbours, hairdresser, dentist, GP, next door's dog or anyone else who knows me..
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