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Old 15-04-2004, 12:49   #196
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Thank you, did you here about the dyslexic SAS guy scaled the walls of the zoo and freed the Ostriches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 15-04-2004, 12:55   #197
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two Irish men see a notice Good Job Tree Fellers wanted and Paddy says to Mick " do you know where Shaun is now, then we can apply".
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Old 15-04-2004, 16:19   #198
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Keep em coming. lol
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Old 16-04-2004, 16:46   #199
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A couple had just got married and were about to begin their wedding night.
The Bloke undresses and then throws his trousers to his new bride. 'Here,' he says, 'put these on.'
His wife looks puzzled and says, 'But they won't fit.'
'Exactly,' says the bloke. 'Remember that. I wear the trousers round here.'
A few seconds later, his new bride throws her knickers at him. 'Here,' she says, 'put these on.'
Now he looks puzzled and he says, 'But I can't get into them.'
'No,' she says, 'and if you carry on like that, you never will!'
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Old 16-04-2004, 17:37   #200
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Re: Joke Of The Day

edited due to offensive content

Last edited by accymod; 18-04-2004 at 11:47.
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Old 16-04-2004, 17:56   #201
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The Jokes so far haven't been a problem and i do like most of them myself.
But i do think it would be good to give the michael jackson ones a side step, before anybody does get offended!

As for the others, keep em coming lmao
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Old 17-04-2004, 08:54   #202
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A clean one for you.....

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are
you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few
moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.



The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat
jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back,
shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead."



He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman.



The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "#150!" she cried. "#150
just to tell me my bird is dead?!"



The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have
been #20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... what did you expect?"
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Old 17-04-2004, 09:25   #203
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Nice one lettie.
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Old 17-04-2004, 16:24   #204
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This Genie in a bottle certainly does the rounds....

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes. She picked an empty bottle out of the water, and began to wash it, when suddenly a genie appeared beside her.
'You have led a long and good life,' said the genie, 'I have come to reward you, by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I shall make it happen.'
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen, she decided to play along for a minute. 'OK,' she said, 'turn all those dirty dishes into money.' With that there was a flash, a bang and a cloud of smoke. When the smoke had cleared, the dishes had turned to a pile of cash.
'My!' said the little old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, 'perhaps you could make me young and beautiful again.' There was another flash, bang and more billowing smoke. Once again, the genie was true to his word. Before him stood a beautiful young lady. Excitedly she carried on. 'Can you please turn my dear old tom cat into a handsome young man?'
For a third time, there was a flash, a bang and plume of smoke and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly, she turned to the young man and said, 'At last. I want to make love to you for the rest of the day, and all night too!'
The young man looked at her for a moment, then replied in a high pitched voice, 'Well, you should have thought of that before you took me to the vet's, shouldn't you!'


All those flashes, bangs & clouds of smoke remind of the last wiring I did!!!
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Old 18-04-2004, 01:33   #205
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Re: Joke Of The Day

AN engineer of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told him, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world and given pleasure to many and therefore, as your reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
The Engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:"


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. Finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Old 18-04-2004, 07:49   #206
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Re: Joke Of The Day

While on his state visit to England, George W. Bush meets The Queen, and
he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing
how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be
a Kingdom."


The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a "King-dom", you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."


Dubya thinks a while and then says: "How about a Principality then?", to
which the Queen replies, "Again, to be a "Princ-ipality" you have to be
a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."


Bush thinks long and hard and comes up with "How about an Empire then?"


The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies, "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Em-pire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."


Before George Bush can utter another word, The Queen says: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a country."
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Old 18-04-2004, 09:46   #207
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Nice one lettie lmao.
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Old 18-04-2004, 10:49   #208
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sailing close to the wind there, Lettie. Long may your ship stay afloat
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Old 18-04-2004, 11:05   #209
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Re: Joke Of The Day

One tries ones best...
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Old 18-04-2004, 11:23   #210
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Lettie, cause i have a clean mind it took me a second or two to catch on, have to say never a truer word spoken. lol
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