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Old 21-04-2004, 13:08   #241
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Re: Joke Of The Day

"What a miserable life i've had,"Thought Bob sadly, as he sipped
his beer at the corner of the bar. "Here i am, my 25th birthday
today, and i still havn't been out with a girl. If only i wernt so
skinny, if only people would stop calling me bean pole."He
ordered another half pint and suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder.
to his amazement, a woman was smiling and asked if she
could join him. A dream come true! For the next 30 minutes,
he wa in seventh heaven and he was nearly fit to burst when she
invited him back to her flat. When they arrived, she suggested he
go into the bedroom and take all his clothes off. She would join
him in a moment. He lay there shivering with anticipation when
she walked in with her 10 year old boy and said
"Now see here Billy, thats what you'll look like when you grow up,
if you dont eat your greens"
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Old 21-04-2004, 13:16   #242
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Re: Joke Of The Day

...Oh dear...these are'nt going to go down well with our friends from the ethnic communities or the nutritionally challenged, are they? Some may even go so far as to say it is not quite politically correct.
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Old 21-04-2004, 15:04   #243
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two old men wre sitting in the park watching the pretty
girls go by.
"You know Fred, ive been sat here that long, my bums
fallen assleep"
"Yes i know," said Fred. "I heard it snoring"
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Old 21-04-2004, 16:07   #244
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Re: Joke Of The Day

woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her
9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,not
realizing that the little boy
is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go
outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and
make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again...."
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Old 21-04-2004, 17:24   #245
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man goes into his son's bedroom to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare, so the man wakes him and asks him if he is OK? The son says that he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie died.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare, so the man again wakes his son. The son says this time he had dreamt that Grandpa had died. The father reassures the son that everything is OK and he should go back to sleep.
The next day, Grandpa died.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare, so the man again wakes his son. The son says this time he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father tells the son that all is fine and that he should not worry, but go back to sleep.
The man goes to bed but he cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life, he feels sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of having a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he feels certain he will be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking through his front door when he returs home, he finds his wife. 'Good God, Dear,' he proclaims, 'I've just had the worst day of my entire life!'
She responds, 'You think your day was bad. The milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!'
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Old 21-04-2004, 18:15   #246
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Re: Joke Of The Day

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.



How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
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Old 21-04-2004, 21:01   #247
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A tourist walks into a drug store in Los Angeles, and asks for a packet of condoms. ‘Rubbers, eh?’ says the chemist, recognizing his customer is English. ‘That’ll be five dollars – including the tax.’ ‘Is that necessary?’ cries the man. ‘Back home, we roll them on.’
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Old 22-04-2004, 13:10   #248
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
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Old 22-04-2004, 14:20   #249
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Nice one Janet...
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Old 22-04-2004, 20:37   #250
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a
plane. The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes
up under
her skirt between her legs. The man isn't sure he actually saw what
he saw and decides he is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently
wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can't
believe what
he is seeing. A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again She
takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman
and says
"Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a
tissue and
wiped it between your legs ... What kind of signals are you sending
me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a
rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you
taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says "Black Pepper".
__________________
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.


The views expressed here are my own and not necessarily those of my family, friends, employer, this site, my neighbours, hairdresser, dentist, GP, next door's dog or anyone else who knows me..
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Old 22-04-2004, 20:56   #251
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Old 22-04-2004, 21:57   #252
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Good one Janet!


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Old 23-04-2004, 14:03   #253
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Rebecca Loos was recently seen out on the town with her girlfriends.


Which just goes to show, you don't have to be posh to swallow becks!!!!
__________________
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.


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Old 23-04-2004, 14:25   #254
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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Old 25-04-2004, 07:55   #255
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Re: Joke Of The Day

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the


city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the


road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where


have ya been?"


"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this


evening."


"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms


across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of


your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd


gone deaf."
__________________
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.


The views expressed here are my own and not necessarily those of my family, friends, employer, this site, my neighbours, hairdresser, dentist, GP, next door's dog or anyone else who knows me..
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