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Old 29-04-2004, 18:24   #271
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his d**k in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f******g nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
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Old 29-04-2004, 18:32   #272
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Re: Joke Of The Day

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now, I'm 40 and just looking for a girl with big t*ts.



Last edited by Len; 29-04-2004 at 18:39.
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Old 29-04-2004, 21:00   #273
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went


straight to her grandparent's house to visit her


95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather


had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were


making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother


that


two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for


trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our


advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church


bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and


even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She


paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream


truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."
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Old 29-04-2004, 21:06   #274
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Re: Joke Of The Day

My laundry bill will be sky-high, Lettie. That's another pair of pants pee'd!
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Old 29-04-2004, 21:13   #275
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparkologist
My laundry bill will be sky-high, Lettie. That's another pair of pants pee'd!

That's way too much information there Sparky, but it cheered me up..
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Old 30-04-2004, 10:09   #276
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Nice one lettie.
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Old 30-04-2004, 15:13   #277
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken
in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
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Old 30-04-2004, 17:54   #278
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Re: Joke Of The Day

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having witht their memory. After checking the couple out, the doc' said they were physically OK but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. They thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night, while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, 'Where are you going?'
He replied, 'To the kitchen.'
She asked, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?'
He replied, 'Sure.'
She then asked him, 'Don't you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?'
He said, 'No, I can remember that.'
She then said, 'Well I would also like some strawberries. You had better write it down because I know you'll forget that.'
He said, 'I can remeber that. you want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.'
She replied, 'I would also like some whipped cream on the top. I know you'll forget that, so you had better write it down.'
With irritation in his voice, he said, 'I don't need to write that down! I can remember that!' He then stormed off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

'I TOLD you to write it down! You have forgot my toast!'
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Old 30-04-2004, 18:19   #279
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Re: Joke Of The Day

The wife sheepishly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of imported knickers. 'After all dear,' she said to her husband, 'you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you.'

'No,' her husband replied. 'Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver!'
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Old 30-04-2004, 18:48   #280
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Nice ones....
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Old 30-04-2004, 19:10   #281
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:

* one tin of beans

* one bag of crisps

* one pack of burgers

* one tub of icecream

* one cake

* one yoghurt

* one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought
and asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The girl replies: "You're an ugly git."
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Old 30-04-2004, 19:12   #282
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Just been emailed this thought you may find it a little funny.





Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by
RAF pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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Old 30-04-2004, 19:19   #283
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Did you hear about the 13 year old who swallowed 3 Viagra tablets?

He was admitted to hospital with third-degree burns on his right hand!
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Old 30-04-2004, 19:32   #284
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a French naval ship with British authorities off the coast of England in October, 1995.

French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

British: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Old 01-05-2004, 00:43   #285
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Re: Joke Of The Day

he he he he he Brill!


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