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Old 01-05-2004, 04:52   #286
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Re: Joke Of The Day

I think this joke is relevant to your Monkey post, Len

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure!
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Last edited by Sparkologist; 01-05-2004 at 17:35.
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Old 01-05-2004, 11:03   #287
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in
the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain:
Whose car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in
it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in
it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
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Old 01-05-2004, 12:38   #288
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
"I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and
again they went right through it. This time the passenger was almost sure that the
light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."


Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh S**t! Am I driving?"!
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Old 01-05-2004, 17:48   #289
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Re: Joke Of The Day

What do you call a Redneck who has a cat and a dog?

Bisexual.
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Old 01-05-2004, 18:15   #290
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few items he began to line up in a really long queue for the checkout. After about 15 minutes stood in line he reached the checkout girl, and just at that moment he realised he needed some condoms. Not wanting to queue up again, he said to the girl, 'Oh, I meant to buy some condoms, but forgot.'
'Do you know what size you are?' she asked.
'No,' he replied.
'OK, drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are.'
The man not being the shy type, dropped his trousers and the girl had a feel with her hand, and said into the microphone, 'One pack of large condoms to aisle three please.' So the man pulled up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him, he paid his bill and left.
Another male customer sees this and thinks he would like the checkout girl to fondle him, so her told her the same excuse. A similar course of events take place, only this time after a good feel, she says over the tannoy system, 'One pack of medium size condoms to aisle three please.' The condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather exciteable 15 year old boy, who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. 'I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot them,' he said.
'Do you know what size you are? she asked.
'No,' he replied.
'OK, I'll check. Whoops, oh dear. Mop and bucket to aisle three please!'
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Old 01-05-2004, 19:43   #291
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and gently hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The young man is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........." She says : "You just happened to catch my eye."




OK, I know it's a really bad one, I'll get my coat...
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Old 01-05-2004, 21:51   #292
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Thats awfull lettie!! but i chuckled anywayhehe
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Old 02-05-2004, 07:13   #293
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Just a quick one..


What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker??



A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.....
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Old 02-05-2004, 09:05   #294
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Re: Joke Of The Day

better p.c plod does'nt see that one eh!! lol
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Old 02-05-2004, 20:49   #295
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Hey i heard today that Lisa Riley has been stopped at Heathrow, and arrested for drug trafficing!!!!!

Aparrently she was caught with 15kilo's of crack in her knickers!!
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Old 03-05-2004, 15:57   #296
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Old 05-05-2004, 10:26   #297
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Re: Joke Of The Day

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the
French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters,
the French General began to question him.

The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot
at?"

In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason
English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear brown
pants.

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Old 05-05-2004, 11:42   #298
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Re: Joke Of The Day

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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Old 05-05-2004, 12:04   #299
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Re: Joke Of The Day

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.


What am I

I AM YOUR TOOTHBRUSH

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

YOU PERVERT
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Old 05-05-2004, 12:31   #300
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Re: Joke Of The Day

Mine is dark green in colour but only measures 7".
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