Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

It's been a while since my last joke. I hope this one makes you laugh...


A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "That's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

[Busman747]

Postman Pats Last Day……..



It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

[Busman747]

The P*nis Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why
the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study
took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that
the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is
to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the
British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the
same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess
of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual
pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland
decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of
intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study
was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the
head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

__________________

[Busman747]

The wife from hell.






A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"




The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


I love this part....









"Only when he's been drinking."

[Sparkologist]

There are a few slackers where I work that have this disease.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[Bazf]

A LITTLE guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver, "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

"I got in the house and discovered my wife had left me for my best friend.

And then you show up and drink the poison!"

[WillowTheWhisp]

The school inspector is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class:"Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question". The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible
question.

He asks :"Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, Stephen raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. The boy replies : "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn't me."

Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed,the teacher says:

"Well, I've known Stephen since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies : "I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister for Education's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in the school. The Minister sighs heavily and replies :

"I don't know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes for the work and get the wall fixed!!"

[Sara]

Very good willow.

[lettie]

Now I am no mathematical genius, but I believe these figures to be fairly accurate...

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut.
Leave some for the rest of us.

[Billcat]

The horse and the chicken were great barnyard friends. One day, the horse managed to get himself stuck in a very sticky section of mud. "Help me please," cried the horse, "get the owner's Mercedes and pull me out!" The chicken quickly went and got the keys for the car, attached a piece of chain to the rear of the car, and pull the horse out of the mire.

A couple of days later, the chicken found herself sinking in another mud hole. "Quick, before I am sucked under, get the Mercedes," she asked the horse. The horse however, had other ideas. He quickly straddled the muddy patch, told the chicken to grab his penis and she was quickly saved.

Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

[Billcat]

A joke appropriate to May 5, 2005

Question: What does a Japanese man do when he discovers he has an erection?
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Wait for it!
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Answer: He votes!
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Happy Election Day, AccyWebbers!

[Mik Dickinson]

Or the asian muck spreader :- Hu flung dung

[Bazf]

How High's a Chinaman?
Sorry but my dad was telling this joke for as long as I can remember!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mik Dickinson]

There was two going around last year that i felt was a bit sick.Why did so many die at Morecombe bay?
Because the boss said to come back when the tide got to knee high.
Problem being that Ni Hi was at the top of a hill having a tea.
Two great whites are swimming in the Atalantic and one says to the other ' God i am hungry fancy some fish 'n' chips'?
Na says the other lets go to Morecombe for a Chinese.
Now that should tickle T.Think they are his kind of joke.

[slinky]

A recent survey was done and 90% of woman choose not to marry. The reason being for 1 oz of sausage why marry the whole bloody pig???????