Joke Of The Day - Page 69

pendy · 13-04-2005, 09:33

What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?

One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you.
The other is a domestic pet.

Bazf · 13-04-2005, 17:04

Scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones. To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints. Suddenly they talked sh$t, gained weight and couldn't drive!

Busman747 · 17-04-2005, 05:04

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little fu**** on your knee!"

sarnie boy · 18-04-2005, 15:47

one day the pope was on tour and he got off a plane, and his chofure was waiting but the pope said to the driver "can you please let me drive" after 10 minutes of arguing the driver gets in the back and the pope starts driving.
Along the road he does twice the speed limit and gets pulled over by a police officer. when the pope winds down the window the officer gets on his radio
"i think we've got a problem"
"what?"
"well this guy was doing twice the speed limit"
"well arrest him"
"yeah but i think its someone important"
"what do you you mean"
"well the pope's his chaufure, so i think i've arrested God!"

sarnie boy · 18-04-2005, 15:48

one day the pope was on tour and he got off a plane, and his chofure was waiting but the pope said to the driver "can you please let me drive" after 10 minutes of arguing the driver gets in the back and the pope starts driving.
Along the road he does twice the speed limit and gets pulled over by a police officer. when the pope winds down the window the officer gets on his radio
"i think we've got a problem"
"what?"
"well this guy was doing twice the speed limit"
"well arrest him"
"yeah but i think its someone important"
"what do you you mean"
"well the pope's his chaufure, so i think i've arrested God!"

sarnie boy · 18-04-2005, 15:49

why did the chicken cross the road
cause some idiot thought it'sd be funny to put him on a motorway

Billcat · 19-04-2005, 16:20

What the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance!

pendy · 21-04-2005, 12:21

A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and food and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes" He's probably spent years in jail and hasn't seen a woman all that time. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous, if he gets angry he might kill us both! Be strong, darling, I love you".

To which the wife replied: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and thought you were really cute. He asked if we had any Vaseline and I told him it was in the bathroom. - Be strong, darling. I love you too".

slinky · 21-04-2005, 15:02

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

slinky · 21-04-2005, 15:09

12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Busman747 · 21-04-2005, 16:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by pendy

A man escapes from prison, .

11/10 for that one Pendy.......

bball101 · 21-04-2005, 18:33

good joke i really liked it

slinky · 24-04-2005, 22:53

imagine how much you would have won at the bookies if last year you had bet that by the end of april the pope and charles would have both been stiff in a
old box.

Neil · 24-04-2005, 22:56

I think that is out of order slinky. You should have more respect for our future Queen

Bazf · 25-04-2005, 15:00

A HUSBAND asks his wife: "Why don't we try different positions tonight?"

She replies: "That's a good idea. You stand by the kitchen sink and do the washing up, and I'll lay on the sofa and watch the football."