Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Why, what you offering? ;)

I'm trying to keep 'em clean. I'll up the ante next time, and push the envelope a little. That should get Plod's juices flowing, but i never was one for authority. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

These jokes are brill keep em coming!! :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

An Indian goes to the general store on the reservation and says to the soldier behind the counter.
Indian wants toilet paper!

The soldier says, "Yes chief we have all kinds of toilet paper, we have plain paper, coloured paper, soft paper, ultra soft paper. What would you like?"

Indian says, " Indian doesn't want John Wayne toilet paper!"

Soldier looking puzzled says, "What is John Wayne toilet paper?"

Indian says " John Wayne toilet paper, rough, tough and takes no sh** off Indian".

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I have taken legal advice before posting this joke. My brief said my defence should be, 'it's implied, and all in the mind!' before putting his head in a bucket of sand....


An Englishman was travelling through the southern states of America when he came across a rodeo. Having never seen one before, he decided to take a look. He went and stood by the arena wall and proceeded to watch the bull riding competition. Well, the bull was very angry and the cowboys not very good, not one of them could hang on for long. The best cowboy managed to sit astride his mount for eleven seconds before falling off and nearly being trampled to death. The Englishman turned to a fellow spectator and remarked that the standard of riding wasn't what he expected. The American next to him got the hump and said, ' that's the baddest bull in Texas. If you think you can do better, Limey, lets see you try!'
'That shouldn't be a problem', said the Englishman, casually.
As the Englishman sat astride the bull in the holding pen, the organisers snapped an elastic band around its b**** to make it extra mad. The pain was intense, and when the gates opened, it launched out into the arena. One second...two seconds... three seconds...four. The Englishman clung on for dear life, and the crowd started to warm to his efforts. Nine seconds...ten seconds... eleven, the record was broken and the crowd went wild and the Englishman grew more confident. With one hand on the rope, he doffed his hat to a young lady in the crowd. Still the bull was bucking and turning, thirty seconds went by and by now all the arena were on their feet. Fourtyfive seconds he rode for, before the bull collapsed, legs splayed out, in complete exhaustion. As he dismounted the steer, the American spectator came running into the arena. 'Yo Limey! Where'd you learn to hang on and ride like that?' he hollared.
'Quite easy,' said the Englishman, nonechelantly, 'my girlfriend's epileptic.'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Nick the Dragon Slayer was a Knight in King Arthur's court. He had a

>long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
>breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he
>revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who
>was
>the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could
>arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would
>cost
>him 1,000
>gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily
>agreed to the scheme.
>
>The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
>poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
>Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
>summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
>Physician
>informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
>four
>hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
>the
>saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the
>itch.
>
>The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
>then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
>which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
>worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
>
>The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
>left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick
>the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
>1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer
>couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could
>never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
>
>The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
>itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned
>Nick the Dragon Slayer........
>
>MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills
>
>
>
>

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:ban: Top banana, that one, Lettie.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This is my first post so hope you like it. Its a joke that i read in Nuts magazine and it needs to be made common knowledge coz its gud.

'Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around her nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on long corridors. Because the woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding along when a door opened and Crazy Bill stepped out with an arm streched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice, "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around her handbag and pulled out an empty Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and Ethel sped away down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh good grief," said Ethel "Not the breathalyser again."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This sounds like the place the wife works at

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Disclaimer.....
Accy webbers may read this joke at their own risk. No offence is intended to anybody who is Irish, Catholic or happens to be called Fannie Green. ......... Hope that will do Mr Plod..




> >A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has

> >been one month since my last confession.

> >I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month". The

> >priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail

> >Mary's'."Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been

> >two

> >months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice

> >a week

> >for the last two months."

> >This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

> >"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

> >"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next

> >morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a

> >gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her

> >as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits

> >down in front of the Altar.

> >Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green

> >shoes. The

> >priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly

> >spread

> >apart, Sharon Stone-style.

> >The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie

> >Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the

> >reflection off her shoes".

> >

>

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > be reassured.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "No, no, no!!!" she answers.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "Well, who is he, then?" he demands.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > > "That's me before the surgery.


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > >


> > > > > > >

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Nice one Lettie,

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The Campaign for the Moral minority might not like this joke, but i thought it worthy of posting.....


A teacher teaches a class of young children and decides to find out a little about their family lives, so she asks the question, to the class 'Today, can you to tell me what your fathers do for a living?'

A little girl raises her hand. 'Yes Julie, would you like to tell us what your dad does for a living?'
'Yes Miss. He's a postman Miss,' says Julie.
'And what does he do as a postman, Julie?' Asked the teacher.
'He delivers letters, Miss.'

Another hand went up. 'Daniel, would you like to tell us what your dad is?'
'He's a fireman, Miss,' was the reply.
'And what does your dad do as a fireman, Daniel? asked the teacher.
'He puts out fires, Miss,' Daniel answered.

The teacher notices little Billy sat at the back of the class very quietly, not looking very happy, because normally he is the class joker, always with something to say. 'Billy,' said the teacher, 'you are very quiet today. Would you like to tell us what you dad does for a living?'
'My dad's dead, Miss,' mumbled Billy.
'We are very sorry to hear that, Billy,' said the teacher. 'What did your dad do before he died?'
At this point, little joker Billy sprang to life. A beaming grin erupted across his face as he said, 'he turned blue, and sh** himself, Miss!'

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Unusually, this one's clean.... It's your mind that's mucky...


An 85-year-old man goes went to see his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's surgery and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man said, 'well, doc, it's like this.'
'First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help.she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.'
'She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing'
'We even called in Mavis, the lady from next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
'Yep,' the old man replied, 'and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open!'


I told you it was clean! Was I right on the other count?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :rofl38: Yep!! Dead right on the other count...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

If i upset anyone from the U S of A, i apologise. But then again, they are known for being slow in the 'Uther Side of Accy'...


After having their eleventh child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to see his doctor, (who also treated mules), and told him that he and his wife/sister didn't want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure known as a vasectomy to fix this problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, drop it in a beer can, hold the can to his ear and count to ten. The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' So, the couple drove to Georgia, to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to explain the procedure fo a vasectomy, when he noticed that the couple were from Alabama. The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold the can next to his ear and count to ten.
Figuring that both learned physicians cannot be wrong, the man went home lit a cherry bomb and dropped it in a beer can. He sat down, held the can to his ear and began to count. 'One, two, three, four, five.....,' at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.


If it makes you laff; Gimme medal, gimme medal... or a karma point :p