Accrington Web - Joke Of The Day

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Keep them coming guys.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Steady

Any complaints and they will be off.

But off the record.
:thumbsup:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk ....
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're
drunk ...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
have zero co-ordination.
i) I must be going home now as I have work in the
morning

Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:

Originally Posted by PC Plod 3487

Steady

Any complaints and they will be off.

:wave: Hello Pc O'Brien, glad to see you're still living in your little 1984 world

But off the record.
:thumbsup:

Be careful giving away your innermost secrets, you might become the worm that turns, then your sergeant will have to discipline you.:whip:

Re: Joke Of The Day

How right you are lettie.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Now this is a novelty. A joke that has no reference to sex or bodily functions...just.

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they all woke up. Daddy mole stuck his head up out of the hole and looked around. 'Mummy mole!' He called back down the hole, 'Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!'
Mother mole ran up the tunnel and squeezed out of the entrance, next to daddy mole. 'That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!'
Baby mole was still down the hole, sulking. 'I can't smell anything down here but molasses...'

Re: Joke Of The Day

A man is sitting in a bar having a couple of drinks. After a while he turns round to speak to the large muscular blonde woman sitting next to him. He says, "I've got a joke. A blonde woman is sitting in a bar..," "STOP RIGHT THERE, MISTER!", she says. "Before you tell this joke I think you should know that I am the British Wrestling Champion and I'm blonde, that woman at the other side of the bar is the British Karate Champion and she's blonde, and that woman in the corner is the World Weight Lifting Champion and she's blonde". The man then proceeds to down his drink, stands up to leave, and turns round to the woman and says, "Never mind, I don't want to have to explain it three times".

Re: Joke Of The Day

> > > > Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublinpub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite"!

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes look up the stairs and says "No way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fockit" and falls into bed.

> > > > > The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night"?

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was p*ssed. But how'd you know"?

"Mick called......You left your wheelchair at the pub".

Sorry for any offence, but it's not really swearing cos it's in Irish.;)

Re: Joke Of The Day

Nice one lettie.

:biggrin8:

Re: Joke Of The Day

haha good one Lettie

Re: Joke Of The Day

I fell out my chair laughing..

Re: Joke Of The Day

I sincerely hope this joke isn't too sick for your tastes....

This old wino walks into a bar, and immediately the barman tells him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger outside.
A minute later, another old wino walked into the bar and was instantly asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time, so once again the barman obliged, and the old soak quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came throught he door, and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though, the drunk turned him down and asked for a drinking straw instead.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman, and he asked the old tramp why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two winos both wanted cocktail sticks. The wino said, 'Well, someone has been sick outside, but all the lumpy bits have gone now.'

Re: Joke Of The Day

:rose8: One I heard to day........ hope its allowed on the board.....

edited due to offensive content

Re: Joke Of The Day

Naughty, Naughty bazf.