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Why have Elephants got Big Ears? Coz Noddy won't pay the ransom...

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What does a perverted frog say? Rub-it

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My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

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I bought my friend a cheese grater for her birthday. She said it was the most violent book she'd ever read.

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I just found out that I'm colour blind. The news came out of the purple.

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Ryewolf...I know they are oldies...but they still made me chuckle. Well done and MORE please.

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a chap comes home from work. The front door is wide open. The car door is unlocked.
There are toys all scattered in the hallway and he treads on a toy car and goes flying.

In the kitchen there is washing up in the sink, spilled cornflakes on the counter top, a puddle of spilled juice on the tiles.

He looks into the back garden and the children are still in their PJs and are out there playing in the mud.
He goes upstairs and into the bathroom...someone has had a wee and missed the toilet, there are wet towels all over the floor...the toilet roll is unravelled, the sink is full of dirty water.

He rushes into the bedroom thinking his wife must be sick, but there she is lying on the bed, reading a novel and eating chocolate.
He says to her 'What on earth is going on? You should see the mess the house is in@

She looks up at him and says @every day when you come in from work you ask me what I have been doing all day.
Well, today I didn't do any of it!

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A young blonde women is fed up of everyone thinking she is a blonde Bimbo.
She goes to the hairdressers and has her hair dyed a lovely shade of conker brown.

A couple of days after this, she is passing a field where a shepherd is dealing with his sheep.
She says to the shepherd 'I bet I can tell you how many sheep you have in this field.'

'Go on then@ says the shepherd...'and if you get it right you can have a sheep to take home'

The girl looks for a couple of minutes and tells the shepherd there are 98.

The shepherd looks amazed and tells her to pick a beast...so she does.

she is about to leave when the shepherd shouts her back.
He says to her 'if I can tell you your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?'

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I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.... Not Happy.

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I got fired from the bank today. A woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her.

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My dog accidentally ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. So I took him to the vet. No word yet.

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I haven't talked to my wife in seven years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

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To the guy that invented zero, thanks for nothing.

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My son asked me what it was like to be married. So I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I said why are you ignoring me?

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My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats. But honestly, I'm not a fan.