To the directors of Emmersons

[Less]

Sirs, if you remember our discussion from July of this year, I arranged with you to send Roy to some part of the world where it would be IMPOSSIBLE, not difficult for him to find an internet connection. Yet again you have failed in a simple request, might I suggest an immediate re-call of him & for him to be re-assigned to a more suitable location such as Antarctica or even better the Arctic.


If you do not comply with this you know from past experience that he can't help tinkering & before we know it the site will get further software upgrade improving the looks & the general running of the site.

I ask you to make this a priority because if nothing is done then hyndburnlife will be left at a great disadvantage and we will not see them give us a decent return on the £630,000 already invested on the publics behalf.

Yours sincerly,

Chief spokesperson HBC

P.S. Failure to comply would mean we will have to take a very close look at your business rates in the coming year.

[JohnW]

Hahahah - very good Less!

[Less]

From the Directors Emmersons:

To The Spokesperson HBC:

Dear Sir,
after holding an extra-ordinary meeting of the board of Directors chaired by myself P. A. Nick Stricken we feel that we should inform you of a few of the measures we took to comply with your request:-

1/ We found one of our most remote Customers that was not in a dry state ( i.e. anti-alcohol).
2/ We upgraded Roys Company Credit Card.
3/ We Ensured that the local German beer was one of the strongest in the region.
4/We checked then double checked that the Hotel we booked him into did NOT nor ever was in the foreseen future EVER going to be connected to the inter-net.

Unfortunately we did not foresee that:-

1/ P***ed or sober Roy can still operate a keyboard, which means that though we are now having to suffer & pay for a monumental bar bill, Roy is still able to function more coherently as an Adminstrator than the whole of the team of the other web site.
2/ We did not Think that Roy would move out of the hotel & into his own apartment due to the fact this would mean him starving to death because he wouldn't recognise a kitchen even if you chained him to the sink.
3/ Who would imagine that even some-one like Roy would be so cruel as to have his wife & child moved into such a godforsaken area as this just so that he can live in comfort.

With a view to The two alternative locations that you have suggested (Arctic & Ant-Arctic), may we humbly remind you that we are part of the Hyndburn areas few remaining industrial Manufacturing Companies & that we can only send our engineers to locations that actually have a need for our equipment & so do not consider either of them to be a possible location.

If you can come up with a more practical location then we will gladly comply,

Your Humble Servants,

Emmersons Board of Directors.

P.S. What if we where to foot the bill for the other site & you were to let it slowly fade away? Wouldn't this work out cheaper for both of us?

[Less]

To The Board of directors Emmersons:
From The Spokesperson HBC:

Dear Sirs,
On behalf of the various departments here at HBC that now have taken an interest in this case, I feel it necessary, to remind you in whose area your company resides, OURS!
We have therefore formed a committee to analyse your last missive.
We will start by answering your Post Script First:-


P.S. What if we where to foot the bill for the other site & you were to let it slowly fade away? Wouldn't this work out cheaper for both of us?

Never in the Annals of Local Government has any-one ever dared to tell us where we can waste, erm’, use the monies contributed to us. Do not ever be so bold in the future or we will have you prosecuted for bribery!
As to your four part plan to rid us of this person, we find that these excuses are not good enough. (More on this in item A).

Those three points you came up with are also rather feeble, (do you have a history at one time of working in local government?).

We still think that you should go to the ends of the earth to resolve this situation, below is how you will do it:-

A] As you have admitted you are one of the areas last remaining Engineering works. This will have to stop, we are sending you details allowing you to change business use of your premises (please see section B]).

B] Being in a prime location i.e. next to the Leeds-Liverpool Canal & the fact that you can be seen from Dunkenhalgh Way by any-one that comes to the area. You will now re-name yourself

Ye Olde Hyndburn gift & Ice cream Parlour.

C] The above can be done by giving over 100% of your shop floor (10% to 'The shoppe', & 120% (approx) for administrative purposes).

D] This now leaves you free as our Director of Tourism points out for you to change Roys Work title to, Procurer In Soft (ice cream) Samples-Honorary Executive Arctic Division or P.I.S.S.-H.E.A.D for short.

E] Priority of display must be given on your souvenir stand for our exclusive (I've seen the B*lls up on Broadway car sticker).

Your sincerley,
Spokesperson HBC

P.S. You have thirty days to comply.

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by Less

... due to the fact this would mean him starving to death because he wouldn't recognise a kitchen even if you chained him to the sink.

The only way that you would ever entice Royski into a kitchen is if you placed two vending machines in there; one heavily stocked with crisps & choccy bars, the other with cans of pop.

Originally Posted by Less

Who would imagine that even some-one like Roy would be so cruel as to have his wife & child moved into such a godforsaken area as this just so that he can live in comfort.

What gives you the deluded impression that this is a godforsaken area, Less?
The real reason that Roy didn't want to stop in the hotel selected by Emersons is that it has a gymnasium, swimming pool, sauna and health spa.


Well now, say it ain't so, Royski... say it ain't so. Now say it again, but keep a straight face this time.

[janet]

Love it Less.