Joke Of The Day - Page 127

Gordon Booth · 16-11-2013, 16:16

When I was a lad, mum would send me to the sellin owt shop with five shillings.
I'd come back with a bag of potatoes, two loaves, two bottles of milk, six eggs, twenty Woodbine and a big bottle of stout.
You can't do that now-too many security cameras!

Aussie Irene · 19-11-2013, 01:32

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

" Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293 nonstop from London to Montreal. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back, relax, and......Oh....My God!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

" Ladies and Gentlemen, i'm sorry if i scared you. While i was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled some coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Fom the back of the plane, an Irishman yelled.....

" For the luvva Jaysus....you should see the backa mine!"

dotti34 · 22-11-2013, 03:46

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large -
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

dotti34 · 01-12-2013, 00:52

The way they do it in Australia!

This morning an old Aussie bloke was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victoria Bitter beer cheap at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. He stopped at a service station for fuel where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two cartons of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice:

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

He thought for a few seconds and then asked:
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

DtheP47 · 02-12-2013, 16:11

Looking for employment?
There are some bar jobs going in Glasgow, but you will have to work on a rotor.

gpick24 · 06-12-2013, 22:32

So, Nelson Mandela has died at 95, that`s even faster than Paul Walker.

dotti34 · 08-12-2013, 21:21

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head
The others nodded in agreement
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Eric · 09-12-2013, 18:06

A Brit arrived at Australian customs. One of the questions the custom's guy asked him was, "Do you have a criminal record?" The Brit replied, "Oh, I didn't realize it was still compulsory".

dotti34 · 09-12-2013, 18:54

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water – and is fat.
A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long and only lives 5 years.
A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years….

…and you tell me to exercise! I don’t think so.

Retlaw · 11-12-2013, 22:01

Chavs Nativity Scene.

Eric · 11-12-2013, 22:26

Two newfies hired a boat and went out for a little bass fishing ... they found a great spot and were hauling in trophy bass. One newfie said, "Why don't we put an "X" on the bottom of the boat and mark this spot." His buddy replied, "Nah, that won't work boy; how do you know that we will be able to rent the same boat next time?"

gpick24 · 12-12-2013, 08:57

Local Police hunting the "knitting needle nutter" who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

dotti34 · 12-12-2013, 19:34

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

Eric · 12-12-2013, 23:57

Here's one for the old farts:

What do Loretta Switt and Richard Pryor have in common?

They've both had major burns on their face.

dotti34 · 18-12-2013, 18:55

Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. Ed was ecstatic when he found out they lived near each other. As soon as he was home Ed started asking her out. He took her everywhere and every date seemed better than the last. Ed decided he had met his soul-mate.
At then end of the month, over dinner, he said “I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you but I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. Before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"  
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."  
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."