Joke Of The Day

[Eric]

The inhabitants of a remote village deep in the tropical jungles of some jungle like country worshiped their local gods: two porpoises who lived in a small, freshwater lake just outside the village. Oral historical tradition stated that they had been there even before the village was founded 14 generations ago. Local tradition held that these aquatic mammals were immortal. The only thing that these gods would eat were offerings of mynah bird meat that the villagers fed to them. Because of global warming and local deforestation the local mynah population became quickly extinct. The porpoises became weaker, and weaker as they slowly starved to death. Whatever substitute food the natives tried to feed them was refused.

A council of elders selected the tribe's greatest warrior to find mynah meat for the gods. He was a western educated native, who had aquired some of the gadgets produced in a modern society, and some of these gadgets, a blackberry, a portable freeze drying machine, and a tranquilizer gun, he took with him on his quest.

After 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness (sorry about the obvious biblical allusion) he found a tree, in the middle of a clearing. And in the tree were hundreds of mynahs. However, lying in the shade of the tree were several obviously unfriendly lions. What to do? The mighty warrior took his tranquilzer gun and rendered the lions unconscious. Then he captured the birds, killed them and used his portable freeze drying machine to reduce the mynah meat into lightweight cubes which he then put into a backpack ....

And now back to the village, hoping to be in time to save the local gods. (Which as a western educated person, he did not really believe in). As he was leaving the area, two armed FBI agents jumped out from behind a tree and arrested him.

And the charge was: Reducing mynahs and transporting them across sedate lions for immortal popoises.

[Alvin the chipmunk]

You lot hear about the ice-cream man who commited suicide? ... TOPPED HIMSELF

[yerself]

Wales


An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local
sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right.
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!

[Eric]

Originally Posted by Alvin the chipmunk

You lot hear about the ice-cream man who commited suicide? ... TOPPED HIMSELF

Didn't hear that one, but I did hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

[West Ender]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are chatting in a bar.

The Englishman says, "My son was born on St George's Day so we called him George."

The Scotsman says, "My son was born on St Andrew's Day so we called him Andrew."

"That's a coincidence," says the Irishman, "Wait 'til I tell our Pancake."

[garinda]

Originally Posted by West Ender

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are chatting in a bar.

The Englishman says, "My son was born on St George's Day so we called him George."

The Scotsman says, "My son was born on St Andrew's Day so we called him Andrew."

"That's a coincidence," says the Irishman, "Wait 'til I tell our Pancake."

A real laugh out loud, thank you.

[cashman]

I see the Cigarette Ban is not having much effect- was 2 guys caught smoking at glasgow airport.

[Eric]

Originally Posted by garinda

A real laugh out loud, thank you.

If this is to your taste, there is a First Nations version.

A young Cree asked his father how he and his siblings got their names. Father said that after the birth of his children, he left the teepee in which they were born and named the child after the first thing he saw: "That is why your sister is called Morning Star and your brother is called Soaring Eagle." His youngest son interrupted at this point and said: "Ah, now I realize why I have to go through life called 'Two Dogs F**king'".

[Eric]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his verterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was very expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to ten. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me" said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri, West Virgina, and parts of Washington DC.

[Eric]

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at his bulging pockets, and after many such glances the man said, "It's golf balls." The blonde said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[cashman]

Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car & the woman said - kiss me where its wet, so paddy started the car & drove her to Gloucester.

[Eric]

Originally Posted by cashman

Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car & the woman said - kiss me where its wet, so paddy started the car & drove her to Gloucester.

Nice one

[whistler]

Subject: Irish Airways


Irish Airways


As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:


PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy


PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!


PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!


PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!


PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de

Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I

can.


So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in

reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the

Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres

squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the

passengers,and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a

stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!


As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some

composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat

ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"


Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

[Sara]

Liked the joke Whistler made we laugh out loud. Going to Ireland in a few weeks, after reading that glad i've booked the ferry.

[whistler]

Sara, I'm sure I know a joke about the irish ferry..........I'll have to think.