Joke Of The Day

[shiny gem]

Originally Posted by krex

my personal favourite...!

Ladies, I apologize for all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig,
just to get a little sausage.

lmao...omg how very very true!!!

[Sara]

Brilliant Krex, how true.

[slinky]

A Pakistani couple are walking out of the divorce courts. The woman is sobbing her heart out. The Ex Husband turns to her and says " for goodness sake woman stop crying, we are still cousins".

[Gayle]

Apologies if this has already been posted...


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for! 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

[slinky]

Why did god make woman have thrush??

So she could see what it would be like to live with a irritating T"""t before she married one.

[BLACKBURN RAVER]

sorry if they've been posted before but i thought it was funny.........


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"




A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[Bad-Wolf]

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman, all in the army!

As they are going out on exercises in the dessert their CO says they can take one extra piece of kit with them. Anything of their choice!

On the news the Englishman says he will take an extra supply of water.

The Scotsman says "well being out in the desert I could do with some whiskey", so he gets a bottle of scotch!

The Irishman says, well I will take a car door!

The others look at him and say a car door? Why?

The Irishman man say's well when it gets too hot in the desert I can wind the Window down!

[Sparkologist]

Oh My God....

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

[Bad-Wolf]

Donald Duck was chatting to his good friend Mickey.
Mickey was somewhat depressed.
On seeing how sad he was Donald asked him what the matter was.
Mickey replied, "I left Minnie"
Donald said "By heck Mickey, thats a bit severe. Having buck teeth is no reason to leave anyone"
Mickey replied "I never said she had buck teeth, I said she was F*****g Goofy!"

[slinky]

Originally Posted by Bad-Wolf

Donald Duck was chatting to his good friend Mickey.
Mickey was somewhat depressed.
On seeing how sad he was Donald asked him what the matter was.
Mickey replied, "I left Minnie"
Donald said "By heck Mickey, thats a bit severe. Having buck teeth is no reason to leave anyone"
Mickey replied "I never said she had buck teeth, I said she was F*****g Goofy!"

omg lmao

[Bad-Wolf]

Two sharks in the south Atlantic having a chat!
One says to the other "I am sick of all this fish, its really quite boring after a while"
The other shark says "I know, lets go to Morecambe and get a chinese instead"

[Sara]

Ed finally decides to take a holiday. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When she returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean----", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here."

[Sara]

A Trebor Mint and a Polo are in the pub, having a drink. The Polo is acting hard, as usual, with the odd "What you starin' at?" and "Yer sittin' in MY seat!".

This goes on for a few hours, until the doors open and in walks a Honey'n'Lemon Locket. The Polo gasps and instantly starts cowering in a corner.

The Trebor Mint says "What's up with you? I thought you were hard as nails?". "Yeh," says the Polo, "but that's LOCKET!". The Trebor Mint thinks what this could mean, shakes his head and replies "And?".

The Polo whispers, "And ... he's totally MENTHOL!"

[Bazf]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog and the barman gets the guy a drink and starts talking to him, he says is that a mongrel and the guy says no its mongal, you mean mongrel says the barman, no I mean mongal says the guy and the dog begins to growl, the guy turns around and says....
...Down Syndrome.

A 45 year old guy is getting a blow job from an 85 year old women in London at the exactly the same time a a guy is walking a high wire over Niagara falls.

Q What are they both thinking?

A Don,t look down.

[geoff70]

considering all the attention the calder bars getting ..heres one for the single fellas to try on with some honeys!!

James Bond walks into "THE C A L D E R " and sits next to a drop dead gorgeous brunette.

He looks at her then takes a look at his watch. The girl asks "Is your date late?"

Bond replies (excuse the bad impression): "No. It'sh jusht my watch is rather schpecial. It's one of Q's little toysh."

"Really what does it do?" enquired the bombshell, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Well it tellsh me, telepathically, detailsh about a pershon. You, for example, it tellsh me that your not wearing any pantiesh!!" announced Bond with a raised eyebrow.

The girl giggled. "I hate to break it to you" she said "but i'm actually wearing panties".

"Damn!" exclaimed Bond "Bloody thing musht be an hour fasht!"

How's that for smooth!