Joke Of The Day - Page 86

suzster · 19-03-2007, 19:56

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits
down, fuming. She says to a man next to her,
"The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell
him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

suzster · 19-03-2007, 19:59

And it's official, the worlds greatest joke is: -

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/sc...est/index.html

Suz x.

Eric · 25-03-2007, 21:09

A Canadian joke: At 10 celsius, Californians shiver, Canadians plant gardens. 1.5 c: Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. -17c: NYC landlords turn on the heat, Canadians barbeque. -50c Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door. -75c: Santa abandons the North Pole, Canadians finally put on long underwear. -114c ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated 'cause they can't thaw their beer. -273c, absolute zero: all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold, eh?". Finally Hell freezes over, The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Eric · 25-03-2007, 21:09

A Canadian joke: At 10 celsius, Californians shiver, Canadians plant gardens. 1.5 c: Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. -17c: NYC landlords turn on the heat, Canadians barbeque. -50c Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door. -75c: Santa abandons the North Pole, Canadians finally put on long underwear. -114c ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated 'cause they can't thaw their beer. -273c, absolute zero: all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold, eh?". Finally Hell freezes over, The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Eric · 25-03-2007, 21:10

See what kind of mistakes happen when it gets too bloody warm!!!!!

Ianto.W. · 25-03-2007, 23:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric

See what kind of mistakes happen when it gets too bloody warm!!!!!

Do Canadian women get their hair done by 'permafrost' Eric.

Eric · 26-03-2007, 01:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ianto.W.

Do Canadian women get their hair done by 'permafrost' Eric.

No ... but they do use a lot of Moose.

In winter, a Canadian woman prefers to have sex doggie style so that both she and her partner(s) can watch the hockey game on TV.

steeljack · 26-03-2007, 01:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric

No ... but they do use a lot of Moose.

In winter, a Canadian woman prefers to have sex doggie style so that both she and her partner(s) can watch the hockey game on TV.

Eric , Why do I suspect that you are actually a Newfie

Eric · 26-03-2007, 01:42

And an Ossy-Canadian joke: This guy from Ossy was touring Canada and he stopped at Niagara Falls. The guide explained that millions of gallons of water went over the falls every minute! The lad from Ossy looked, pondered, knitted his brows and after staring at the falls for another couple of minutes, said: "Aye, that's 'cause there's nowt theer t' stop it."

Eric · 26-03-2007, 10:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by steeljack

Eric , Why do I suspect that you are actually a Newfie

You asked for it: Two Newfies go into a pet shop. Gerry says to Mike "Dat's dem," pointing to the budgies. When the clerk asks them what they want, Gerry says "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in a paper bag." They leave the store and drive to Come by Chance, and stop at the edge of a 500ft. cliff. Gerry takes two of the birds, places them on his shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Mike watches as his mate plunges to a messy death on the rocks below, shakes his head sadly and says: "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

Newfies are a lot like people from Ossy, don't you think?

tadah · 26-03-2007, 13:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric

A Canadian joke: At 10 celsius, Californians shiver, Canadians plant gardens. 1.5 c: Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down. -17c: NYC landlords turn on the heat, Canadians barbeque. -50c Mt. St. Helens freezes, Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door. -75c: Santa abandons the North Pole, Canadians finally put on long underwear. -114c ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated 'cause they can't thaw their beer. -273c, absolute zero: all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold, eh?". Finally Hell freezes over, The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Thats really funny

Eric · 27-04-2007, 10:00

You know, in this age of environmental conciousness, we have to realize that there is a place for all God's creatures; ... RIGHT NEXT TO THE POTATOES AND GRAVY.

Sparkologist · 17-05-2007, 19:46

Short & sweet, this one...

A man with a terrible stutter walks into a shop and asks for a Mars Bar and comes out with 500 packs of M & M’s.

MargaretR · 21-05-2007, 08:12

THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her: “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20, on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied: “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . "clean my house."

(found this in The Times of all places!)

Eric · 23-05-2007, 20:21

An Aussie from the outback walks into a posh bar in Melbourne. Under his arm is a large, live crocodile. He tells the assembled yuppie patrons that he is broke but offers to stick his penis in the croc's mouth for five minutes, after which he will remove it, unmarked from the vicious fangs, if they will buy his booze all night. The bartender and the patrons agree, and he sticks it in the croc's mouth. After five minutes, he grabs a beer bottle, whacks the croc over the head with it, and the croc opens his mouth. Out comes an unscathed penis.

After a few drinks, the guy says he will bet $1000 that no one else in the bar dare do it. There seems to be little enthusiasm among the crowd ... but then a blonde who had been sitting quietly at the end of the bar, says: "Excuse me, I'll do it provided that you don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."