Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What are Honey Loops?...............I'm completely lost on this. I've figured out the joke is a "perv" joke of some sort, but I can't work out exactly why. These things are snacks of some sort, I assume, but I've never heard of'em so I can't get the joke.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Cheerios and Honey Nut Loops are breakfast cereals Tealeaf, they are little hoops, about the size of a cornflake..... :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

OK..I get it now.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'v just had this sent to me.

I know I will get probably get jailed for this. Hope I dont.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg?

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Prtety Amzanig huh?


Oh Dear!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:eek: Len!!!!! I'm shocked....


While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit),
I passed over a bridge only to find a a cop with a radar gun on the other
side laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge....." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I liked that one.:bow8:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A sad tale :tearRolls
I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I loaded my car up with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing the receipt which I would need to get out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill. Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty pound notes in
his hand.

Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was seven years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs to make ends met. Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?"

The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
http://www.sensihost.com/~lrnet/foru...ies/frown3.gif http://www.sensihost.com/~lrnet/foru...ies/frown3.gif








So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.
__________________

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You cruel B*stard!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Thats well cruel wingy

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You will be having your wings clipped for that one.lol

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Yeah, he's gonna be in deep pooh.......

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :rofl38: Nice one Wingy.... I am actually sick enough to find that funny, due to years of working in healthcare.. You do actually develop a really warped sense of humour. My Psychiatrist appointment should be due any day now... :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I too find that funny Wingy. Either i also have a sick sense of humour or spend to many hours with children. Probably the latter.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What do you call a dinosaur who has had a vindaloo curry with 10 pints of lager?




A Mega-saur-****

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. "Blimey," the bus driver said,
"that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chillli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilli?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."


2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"


11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

My first attempt at joke posting, hope ya like it!

Share a Cabin
A man and a woman, who never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket!" After a moment of silence, he f@rted, loudly!

http://www.southportforums.com/forum...es/biggrin.gif http://www.southportforums.com/forum...es/biggrin.gif http://www.southportforums.com/forum...es/biggrin.gif

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'" ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Holy Samosas. A clean one! :p


A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy.

The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says,"What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss.

Second question:
Using the same rules, represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100."


The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Good one sparky.:rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just a thirty second quickie: :rolleyes:

An elderly couple were lamenting their sex life.
"You used to call me your knight in shining armour," said the old boy.
"Yes," said his missus, "but that was before you reached the age of shrivelry." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk
home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestockdealer and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in
no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt,and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:lol: Keep em coming Lettie.





What do a bungee jump and hooker have in common?

They're both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead! :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Young wench goes t'Doctors:

"Doc", she says, "I've got an unusual discharge"

"Righto", says Doc, "Drop thee knickers & lets have a look"..........

"how's that feel?", he says, slowly manipulating his hand.....

"Ohhhhh...lovely", she says, "but discharge is in me ear..."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Please note that I do not normally post jokes of this sort, but it is now well past the 9 O'Clock deadline hour allowing for material of an adult nature.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Well done Mr T. See, it's not hard and it's not painful is it? Do we take you will be a regular contributor to this wonderful thread? :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I'd like to thank the anonymous donor of this little gem, which has needed only slight censorship........ :D



Dear Diary.....


Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,
and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also
getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ..

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the b**tard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit
on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over
any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.

Day 16.
The b**tard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!!. :)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

hnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Whilst Viagra is a relevant topic, maybe i should include this joke...


This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."


It's not crude really, is it? :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A guide to personal advert terminology for all you singles out there.... ;)


40-ish........................................49

Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates

Athletic......................................No tits

Average looking...............Has a face like an ar$e

Beautiful...........................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Educated...................Was screwed to bits at Uni'

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist......................................Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former slut

Fun..........................................Annoy ing

Gentle........................................Dull

Good Listener................................Autistic

New-Age............................Body hair problems

Old-fashioned.........................No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Poet.......................................Depress ive

Professional..................................Bitc h

Romantic......................................Frig id

Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large lady.................................Hugely Fat

Soul mate...............................Stalker

Widow........................................Murde rer

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

It looks like you've sussed us Janet. Just to confirm your suspicions...




Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a Man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for women, to better understand men. :p

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

a little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa
looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with
Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant
shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one
Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute
steal at only £20.""Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
Well", replies the assistant,"it use to live in a brothel and as a
result it's language is a touch fruity!". "Oh, I don't mind that",
said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be
a laugh having a profane parrot." So she buys the parrot and takes
him homeOnce safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and
squawks at the woman, "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam!",
I'm not a Madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman
indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters
arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes,"
says the parrot when he sees the daughters "Mum, tell your
parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes complained the girls,
but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home and the
parrot says"Well F**k me, a new brothel, a new
madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin' Dave?" :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: That's another pair pee'd. Where can i buy some new strides on a Bank Holiday when everything is closed? :rofl38:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I reckon i can get away with posting this joke because the 'W' word was used in joke 334, and lived to post another day. I have a third-party consience, who has given me permission to post. ;)
This is another where the punchline has been running round in the space behind my eyes for many a month, the rest of it is just a yarn i've spun to get there.

Little Billy was on his school holidays, and his Granddad had been seconded to look after the little brat. Young Billy was one of these modern kids who believed that everything came on a plate, and was gift wrapped as a matter of course.
Stuck for what to do to entertain his young offspring twice removed, Granddad asked young Billy if he would like to take a trip to Blackpool for the day. “Too right, Granddad!” cried Billy in reply. “There’s the Pleasure Beach, donkeys, trams; there’s loads to do.” So off they went on the train for the day.

As young Billy and his Granddad were taking a stroll down the prom, Billy spied a candy floss stall. “Granddad! Granddad! Can I have a candy floss? Pleeease Granddad.”
“Listen young Billy, I’m just a poor pensioner, but you’re my grandson and I love you, so I’ll buy you a candy floss,” replied Billy’s Granddad.

A little further into their walk down the prom, they passed by the Pleasure Beach. “Granddad! Granddad, can I have a go on the Big Dipper? Go on Granddad,” whined young Billy.
“Listen here young Billy, I’m only a poor pensioner and I’ve already bought you a candy floss, but you are my grandson, so I will pay for you to go on the Big Dipper.”

Billy loved his ride on the roller-coaster, in fact he couldn’t get enough of it. As soon as he climbed out of the seat, he badgered his Granddad again, “Granddad! Granddad can I have a go on the dodgems? Awww go on Granddad,” bleated the youngster.
“Are you listening young Billy? I’ve already told you I’m only a poor pensioner and I’ve bought you a candy floss and a ride on the Big Dipper, but because you are my grandson, I will pay for you to have a go on the dodgems.” The little runt loved to carve everybody else up on the dodgems and he was buzzing when he step out of his little carnage chariot.

“Come on Granddad, I want to have ride on a donkey!” yelled the young one as he grabbed his Granddad by the hand and towed him off in the direction of the beach. When they arrived at the rail where the donkeys were tethered, Young Billy noticed that all the beasts had been given a name, and it was emblazoned on a hat that each of them was wearing. “I want to have a ride on this one,” demanded young Billy, as he chose a donkey called ‘W*nker’ His Granddad, tired of Billy’s constant requests meekly agreed.

Just as young Billy was being helped onto his mount, a wasp alighted on the donkey’s hind quarters and stung it. Well, the donkey reared up and left its junior jockey sprawled out on the sand, as it set of unattended across the beach “Whaaa!” wailed young Billy. “W*nker’s off. W*nker’s off!”
“Listen young Billy I’m just a poor pensioner. I’ve bought you a candy floss, a ride on the Big Dipper, a go on the dodgems….. :rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three men, an American, Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm." After a few minutes a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech
but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their
eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said... "Well, will you
look at that, I'm getting a fax." ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace..... It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished one
bottle of white wine, a bottle of Baileys, a quart of Ben & Jerrys, a
large box of chocolates and a half bottle of vodka. You have no idea how good I feel. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This 'ere Genie has been round more times than the Magic Roundabout...


Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A short, clean, but groanworthy couple...... :)


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Whilst we are on the subject of the Church...

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!" :p

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:lol: :lol: Nice one Janet...

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Thank you len.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:bow8: It's a cracker, Janet. Big-up-respect!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Here are my dad's rules for anyone dating my teenage sister... He sure has mellowed a bit. ;)


Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the The Humber Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

2. Places where there is darkness.

3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.

5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.

6. Football games are okay.

7. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Re: Letties unpostable joke (amended)
 

Today, we are free to discuss most matters quite openly (with the exception, of course, of anything in relation to our ethnic friends, upon which the slightest deviation from politically correct discourse results in a great weight of odium thrown on you by lesbians, social workers, council officials and all the other riff-raff in todays society...)

But not so long ago - indeed, within the lifetime of some of us on here - another subject was strictly taboo amongst the respectable working class of our town. In those days, women did not have the spare time to lark around on the internet; instead, they had to fulfill their proper role of cooking, cleaning, and washing, the latter usually occuring on a monday.

It was on one of these occaisions that one lady happened to peer over the backyard wall as she was pegging up her bloomers....

"Here", she whispered across to her neighbour..."does tha funny thing get a twitch when tha's had a bit o, tha knows...."

"Aye, all t'time"...she cautiously replied, "but then he rolls 'oer, farts and goos asleep"



Thee 'appy wi that, Lettie?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:wave8: Very nicely done Tealeaf.... Maybe I'll send you some more of my unpostable jokes for laundering (pardon the pun) :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Four worms were placed INTO four separate jars. The first worm was put INTO a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put INTO a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put INTO a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put INTO a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: Nice one Janet, that's my kind of joke....


A passenger plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets
into the Ocean. The impact is Such that the plane is ripped apart leaving
only one man alive.
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the
sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of
miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor
from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly
he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... its Kylie
Minogue.
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate
bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall
madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love
sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow

on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could
require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something
missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws
a neat moustache on her.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in the
other direction and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards

him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her,

grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm sh*gging'!!

Re: Lettie's unpostable joke (amended)
 

:notworthy I bow to your greater intellect Mr Tealeaf, Sir. A most remarkable effort to sanitise a downright filthy little gem.
You saved Plod from a heart attack, and my neck from the block, because otherwise the unadulterated version was due to be posted.

You too can have a Boyakasha! :mosher:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me.They are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

John, that's wicked!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Oh my, you're not a lawyer by any chance are to Tealeaf? If so, sorry old lad!

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Nice one john.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Well, thank you very much Janet, how ya doin'?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Who Is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,
“You don't know Jack Schitt.” Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and 0. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married 0. Schitt, the
owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married
Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, the twins—Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being
married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married
Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as
Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are
Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left
home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new
bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know
Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Essex girls

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,"That doesn't smell like come to me, Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Just in case you girls hadn't worked it out for yourselves... :rolleyes:


Men wish women knew


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine - really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

That's an awful lot for them to remember, Sparko....I suggest they write it down somewhere.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

You're quite right as usual Tealeaf. However, being a mere female I have a tendency to lose things. If I wrote this down somewhere I'm sure to mislay it. May I suggest that the above information is branded (painfully) onto the torsos of all men. That way us dizzy females wouldn't lose such important information, and it would be fun reading it..... ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Now that one i like Sparkologist ,
I just hope Anne and all the other females on her read it
i will probably get thumped for this and i'm keeping my head down at the next Accyweb meeting hehe

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Numbers 18-25 would have to be read looking up at my enlarged 6-pack

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . .. I'm sorry . . . what did you ask me? :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

OK folks, lets have a sing along...... :music8:


INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY


Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Ars*hole's aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiazza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.


I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango!
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani! (Byriani!)
Byriani! (Byriani!)
Byriani and a naan!
(A vindaloo loo loo loooo!)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[headbanging guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]
[slow bit]

Korma or dupiazza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Top drawer lettie. What's it called... Ode to the Mitali?

Spicey pomps, Lime Pickle, Onion Budgies, Chicken Ring-Sting, Garlic Elephants Ears & Vimto Lollies as aperitifs. Now that sounds like a song worth singing! :p

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

For any of you Geezers vain enough to wear a 'syrup'... 'Syrup of Fig' - Wig. Geddit...? Maybe not...


An elderly and not overly smart man took his very much younger date to see a movie.

Instead of watching the movie though, they are kissing, hugging and fondling each other.

As things are getting more heated by the moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.

Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his hand accidentally gets in under his date's dress.

She, feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, breathes into his ear............."that's it !" ......... "that's it !" .

The man thinks for a second and then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be! I had mine parted on the side! " :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'

'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'

'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'

'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'

'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'

'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'

'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'

'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'

'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'

'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'

'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'

'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'

'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'

'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'

'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'

'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'

'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'

'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'

'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'

'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'

'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'

'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'

'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'

'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'

'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'

'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'

'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'

Bless their little hearts!


See, i do clean ones as well :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: :rofl38: :rofl38: Now that's good Sparkologist

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

C'mon Mick, tell us a joke.........

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he
exclaimed.
"Are those for me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are
for your father." :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred pounds, I guess."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:wave8: Some good ones there Mick..

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A clean one...


A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been
married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I
want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts
veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit
nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks. ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What is it?

Whats greater than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, rich people don't need it, and if you eat too much of it you will die. What is it?






The Answer:

Nothing.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Well, i'm clean out of clean jokes, so it's back to the usual base standards. :p


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab".

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.

'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.

'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'

'What? Get the hell out of my cab you ar$ehole!'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'

The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. :thumbsup: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Short and sweet, and not the slightest bit rude.


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Little blue eyed Rose Sinclair,
Stood shyly by the barber's chair
While Mr. Fairclough trimmed the hair
Of Rose's father, sitting there.

And as she stood, she slowly ate
A bar of creamy choco-late
Her favourite milky 'Twinkle Bar'
Bought earlier, by dear Papa.

"Don't stand so close" the barber frowned
As clippings tumbled all around
"'Cos' standing there, the chances are
You'll get hairs on your chocolate bar!"

But little Rose, a shy young child
Just snuggled up to Pa and smiled
So Mr. Fairclough, in dismay
Continued cutting anyway.

And when he'd finished father's head,
He turned to little Rose and said
"Have you got hairs on your 'Twinkle' then?"
"Not yet", said Rose... "I'm only ten!!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

I don't get it.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely **** can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't **** off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my ****!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

A few fun facts....... :D

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have

produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas

is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the

body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it

starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is

attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human

jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??) ;)

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

:rofl38: Oink Oink! :lol:




Stomach Complaint - It's a wee bit sick, a little bit funny and rather un-PC.



A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder." :eek:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out.

The genie said that he would grant them each a wish.The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island.

The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.

The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

Ladies..... Have you ever been on the most fantastic date, then at the end of the night it's a total gut wrenching disappointment??? :( Here are 60 things not to say... ;)


1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

This Genie must be a Senior Member on Accyweb, he has made that many appearances. If we are on a sexist theme...



There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp.

He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless.

While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt.

POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"

The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four? :rolleyes:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

What are men like????????

Men are like. . . Laxatives. . . They irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like. . .Bananas. . .The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like. . .Vacations. . .They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like. . .Weather. . .Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like. . .Blenders. . .You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like. . .Chocolate Bars. . .Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like. . .Coffee. . .The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like. . .Commercials. . .You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like. . .Department Stores. . .Their clothes are always one half off.

Men are like. . .Government Bonds. . .They take soooo long to mature.

Men are like. . .Mascara. . .They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like. . .Popcorn. . .They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like. . .Snowstorms. . .You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like. . .Lava Lamps. . .Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like. . .Parking Spots. . .All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


We love em really..... :cuddle:

Re: Joke Of The Day
 

The birds do it, the bees do it, even old-timers do it...


An eldery couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well"

"Ok," he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake"

"Oooooooh Henry! You Devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence, Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." He follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,

Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has leaned somthing about life that he diden't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,

The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."



As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?"

" No, there's no secret, " the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric!" ;)